First of all, I just have to say: It was really nice of Entourage to let that third grade Make-A-Wish kid write this episode. I mean, sure, it's bereft of subtext and totally self-indulgent. But the kid's gonna die, so—
Oh, wait, this one was written by Doug Ellin? The show's creator? Oyyyyyy…
Where to even begin. There were so many moments that felt strained, to put it generously:
- Turtle, E, and Drama hang out waiting for Vince to roll up (on his motorcycle, because he's an adrenaline junkie now, remember? From "Previously on Entourage"?). Turtle: "I do pay [our accountant]." E: "Yeah, on layaway!" Drama: "Heh, good one E." If there's one thing Entourage needs, it's in-show joke validation.
- Or, perhaps I could bring up the entire scene in Sloan's house where E, distraught because things are a little mopey for one day, reassures himself that things are good with Sloan. Things are good, right? Sloan: "We are good."
- Vince: "Life is passing you by, buddy."
- At one point, Ari corners his seething wife (cuz of how he hugged that girl once), hands her a glass, toasts her glass with a full bottle of Grey Goose, and is all like, eh? Look at this guy? Isn't this just like a thing that I would do? Aren't I so endearing with the thing?
- Also, remember how Turtle had that thing with that girl Alex or whatever her name is? Well, his business is in the shitter, but Alex still wants her money and comes over to get it. At which point Turtle breaks the news that the other girls quit. "Did you try to fuck them?" Alex asks. Turtle snickers, because THEY ARE SO CASUAL NOW ABOUT THE STUFF WITH THE FUCKING AND THE THINGS AND STUFF AND THE AAAAAAH.
Other than that, a gay Jeff Garlin points out that Drama is funny, Vince buys an expensive dinosaur skull that E later pushes that douche Scott into, and at one point Ari's suit magically buttons itself. Some girls make out with each other, others saunter around in their bathing suits, and Alex, despite wearing a bra, somehow has nipples that could poke E's eyes out. (READ: He is short.) And she persuades Turtle to go to Mexico with her for a mysterious business transaction I'm praying is a black market parrot racket a la Big Love. I don't know, and I really don't care, nor do I care much about that Lizzie girl quitting Miller Gold.
Or, maybe I should, because, well, someone said bad things are about to happen. In the absence of caring about a character, Entourage has resorted to simply telling me to care. In the world of Entourage, if it's worth thinking. It's worth saying. Poorly.