In the spirit of “Unmasked,” I will be narrating this episode in the style of Fun With Dick And Jane.
See The Following. See The Following continue to be stupid. Consider The Following. Consider The Following is renewed for third season in a world where Freaks And Geeks got only one season. Consider impact The Following will have on humanity. Consider impact of James Purefoy’s face on nation of people who just want to believe. Do not watch episode called “Unmasked.” Wear mask. Wear mask to sleep, and do not look under mask ever again.
Another name for episode and show is See Ryan And Mike Be Incompetent. Ryan and Mike always running in to save someone five seconds too late. Today, Ryan and Mike are responsible for many deaths because Ryan and Mike are slow. Run faster, Ryan and Mike. Go, go, go!
In first few minutes Mike and Max have meet-cute. Max sees Mike naked. Max likes it. Mike does not like it, but probably he likes it. Show wants Mike and Max to kiss. Kiss, Max and Mike, kiss. Maybe if you kiss, show will stop.
Max brings Mike coffee. Max and Mike briefly touch hands. Max and Mike profile several women in a database and start investigating the mole. Max and Mike use the word “cross-reference” to solve all problems. Neither Mike or Max knows what a cross or a reference is. Max is nice and has pretty hair. Bang Mike, Max. Save yourself from monotony of living with stupid uncle.
Ryan enters and talks about his feelings. Feelings are boring. Then Ryan and Max and Mike start investigation of Gina. Gina is FBI agent with troubled past and wife. Wife is Jana, whom we saw before. Gina and Jana have kids because they are lesbians. Psych!! The Following has so good plot twist! Twist, The Following, twist!
Investigation is very complicated and results in minor success. Gina says she is not a fish (no really). Our heroes follow Gina to Jana’s house. (Did they get confused that their names were almost the same? Did they have trouble finding each other? Did they have to use other names? Did they play “Marco Polo” in their own house? So many questions.)
See, Jana and Gina argue over the fanciness of FBI. Watch in horror as Jana stabs Gina with a kitchen knife and then spits on fallen body. Watch as Gina collapses in pool of blood. See Jana return to the kitchen and serve her children pizza. Wonder how many minutes are left. Cry that there are more than 30 left.
See hysterical woman proclaim world is falling apart while waving a gun. Watch as Ryan and Mike are unable to stop Jana from killing herself. Consider that Ryan and Mike endangered Gina’s life. Consider that Gina is in hospital now because of threats made on street in New York. Consider new job as reviewer of music. No serial killers in music hopefully.
Meanwhile, cult happens. See cult cult. No one cares about cult. Joe Carroll manipulating cult. Joe has the strength of 1,000,000 Edgar Allan Poes.
Even murder cult people hate this one guy named Lance who is a murderer. He makes faces at Emma, and she gets scared. Everyone has limits. Some guy at cult thinks Emma is cute, but Emma is now kissing Joe again. See Emma tell that guy, “It’s ok, I don’t believe in relationships.” Wonder at the sexual politics of Kevin Williamson, creator of Dawson’s Creek. Cry, Dawson, cry.
Cult sends some people to New York to bookstore that is Housing Works Bookstore renamed “Olde Towne Bookstore.” Where is Olde Towne? I do not want to go to Olde Towne. Some people kill everyone else in bookstore because Carrie who wrote book about Joe is there. Lots of people die. Then Carrie goes on news and broadcasts video. In it, Joe says he wants everyone to be afraid of death again all the time. See Joe make mixed metaphors. Watch Fox attempt to sell The Following as a show about religious panic when The Following is obviously show about sexual panic by hat-wearing nice guys with something to prove.
Case in point: Ryan has sexy times with Carrie because they are both turned on by violence.
End of episode: Mike gets in car wearing hood. Drives for long time through many states. Shows up next day in hotel. Some people lead him into room. Plot twist! Person in room is Claire! Claire is undead! Claire is zombie Claire. Natalie Zea still employed. Create more fantasy threesome pairings. Wait for show to end run. Wait for sanity to be restored to world.
- “I killed my wife, so I’m not the best person to ask.” Joe trolling more than usual this week. Everyone talking like they know they will be given an F.
- Today in misogyny: Many women die. Other woman sent to hospital. Joe strangles woman because she is smart. Serial killer in cult looks at Emma like a piece of meat. Women are all same face color, hair color, eye color. All women look same to men in The Following. Run, women, run.