Teen Mom

Oh, thank heavens. MTV’s Teen Mom is back. Here, I was worried we’d lose track of what was happening ol’ Farrah, Maci, Caitlynn, and (god forbid) Amber. Seeing their faces on magazines, their mind-blowingly horrible tattoos online, and finding out they make $280,000 a year and still live in shitty apartments just wasn’t enough. 

Except now, MTV’s bringing viewers Teen Mom 2, featuring a whole new set of underage matriarchs. Don’t worry, though. Those wiley O.G. moms will be back to mess up another day.

MTV sticks with the old formula, though, and Teen Mom 2 has its Maci (Leah, a mom of twins and former free spirit from West Virginia), Farrah (Chelsea, a South Dakotan who just wants “a happily ever after”), and Amber (Jenelle, who might be the most annoying person actually on MTV, and that’s saying a lot).

The outlier this season, so far, is Nazareth, PA’s own Kailyn, who like original teen mom Caitlynn, seems to have her head kind of on her shoulders, though she’s dealing with a fairly shaky family situation. Kailyn lives with her ex, Jo, and his family. Between loud and immature fights in the driveway in front of the baby, Kailyn moves into the basement of the house, and meets a new guy at her job at the Sports Authority. She also seems to spend a lot of her time putting her hair in side ponytails. And so far, that’s pretty much all we know about Kailyn. Whatever.

Chelsea not only blends a little bit of Teen Mom Farrah into her life, but also has clearly taken the Snooki lifestyle to heart. She’s working the poof, the tan, and the leopard print computer keyboard. She’s a daddy’s girl, and he’s even paying for her to live in a house with her baby and friend, so long as she’s working on finishing up her high school diploma. Adam, dad to baby Aubree, is god knows where, and that’s just fine with both me and Chelsea’s dad, given the couple’s horrible breakup. (He texted Chelsea something along the lines of, “Tell me where and wen [sic] I can sign the papers over for that big mistake.”) From the looks of the season teaser, though, Adam’s soon to be back in Chelsea’s life, and hopefully footing the bill for some of the teen mom’s extreme hair extensions. Lord knows he won’t be good for much else.

Kailyn and Chelsea, whatever. Maybe they’ll prove to have actual compelling storylines in this season, but I kind of doubt it. So far, it’s looking like the real drama is going to come from two sources — Leah, who might actually prove to be a semi-decent mom, albeit one who’s much, much too young to have twins, and Jenelle, who discovered that having a baby was a “lot more work than I expected,” and is fighting her mom for custody of her baby, Jace, by the end of the first episode.

Leah’s drama mainly stems from relationship drama, which is totally understandable, considering she got pregnant a month into dating her ex, Corey. They’re trying to work things out after she cheated on him with an ex, and it’s kind of slow going. That being said, I think these crazy kids are going to work it out. If nothing else, at least they’re not fighting in front of their daughters.

Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for Jenelle, who I’m pretty sure is from somewhere in the Carolinas — Myrtle Beach, maybe? Her baby daddy, Andrew, broke up with her and is now, according to her, modeling somewhere in China. (okay?) Jenelle comes home from… somewhere, feeds her baby, gives him a bath, puts him to bed, and then goes out and rages all night. Her mom’s home watching Jace, waking him up in the morning, feeding him, and making sure that his clothes are actually warm enough, and not just cute.  This doesn’t sit real well with either of them, and after hitting her mom for turning off the internet, Jenelle takes off for a couple of days, sans baby. When she comes back to check on him, she gets served with a court order challenging her custody. Thus begins one of the worst fights in MTV history. Jenelle absolutely berates her mom, calling her every name in the book, and shoving her repeatedly. She screams, “I make sure I see [Jace] every single day,” and tells her mom that it’s her fault that she got pregnant at 16. Of course, her mom responds that it’s actually Jenelle’s fault for “spreading her legs,” but that’s kind of a moot point. 

Jenelle is a perfect example of what Teen Mom hath wrought. There are surely countless shitty moms across the country, and teens in bad situations, and babies who see all sorts of shit they should never have to see. Almost all of those moms, though, aren’t getting rewarded for being horrible humans by both their peers and the television channel most popular amongst their peers. It’s probably impossible to watch Jenelle on Teen Mom 2 and think that she’s even remotely a good person, but still, she’s getting paid, and I doubt she really cares about much more than that.

Stray observations:
• I’m seriously worried about the prevalence of facial piercing amongst today’s youth. Practically every damn guy and gal on this show has viper bites or one of those Marilyn Monroe piercings. Think about your future, people! And your facial nerves!

• Leah did an excellent job of putting her daughters (Ali and Aleeah, ugh) into cheap looking Strawberry Shortcake-like dresses for her high school graduation. They looked like little muffins. Oh, and Leah looks absolutely amazing, considering she has nine month old twins.

• Equally amazing is that MTV occasionally has to caption Corey’s West Virginia accent, because it’s so damn thick. A+, Corey.

• Jenelle gets caught smoking weed out front of her house later this season. God, Jenelle. At least go out back, right?

• Why do people let babies play with their cell phones? I mean seriously. They just mess them up and throw them and stuff. Is there nothing else that can entertain an infant?

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