I will make this blunt and uncharacteristically succinct. I am growing bored with Jersey Shore. Last year it was irresistible. Now I’m wondering if I should pull an Entourage and bail on it completely.
I had hoped season two would be nothing but climaxes. Instead, the show inexplicably decided to devote six fucking episodes to the Ronnie and Sammi soap opera. At first it was merely uninteresting. Then it grew semi-dull. Then it got kind of boring. Now it’s excruciating. Seriously, Ronnie and Sammi, make up your fucking minds. I don’t care if you break up or make everyone suffer (especially yourselves and each other) by staying together, just make a fucking decision. Cunt-fucking Christ on a Crucicracker, Hamlet was more decisive than y’all.
The Ronnie and Sammi tedium-fest has spun off an even less interesting thread: the tedious mystery about the not-so-anonymous letter. Will Sammi find out who wrote the letter? Will sparks fly? Oh, who the fuck cares. Watching twenty-somethings act like third graders is growing tiresome. As is watching people who will fuck anything that moves fuck other people who will fuck anything that moves, even if they're cohabiting on national television.
So much of tonight’s episode felt like a rerun. Remember when Snooki drunkenly slid into Vinnie’s bed and, with the wisdom of a thousand prophets, Vinnie thought to himself, “Hey, instant sex. Sweet! I’m going for it!” Boy, that wasn’t at all interesting. Tonight, it became even less interesting, though we were treated to yet another gander at Snooki’s poorly blurred-out lady-parts.
Everything has grown so cynical and scripted. DTS? Down to snuggle? Christ, are we running out of aphorisms here? It’s like Vinnie has a team of writers he’s instructed to come up with at least one GTL-style catchphrase per episode. MVP didn’t set the world on fire so tonight we got DTS. I can't exactly see that on tee-shirts at Hot Topic either (I imagine there's already a Jersey Shore wall there).
Remember when the housemates tried to make dinner and screwed up comically? They did that tonight as well. In a shocking new development, however, this somehow led to both passive-aggressive hostility and angry, profanity-filled fights between women.
Tonight was not entirely devoid of guilty pleasure goodness. I chuckled at Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s line, “I’ll be flipping pancakes while people are punching themselves in the face” but it’s a lot harder to laugh at Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino knowing that he could buy and sell every member of my extended family and all my coworkers and still buy all the L.A Tan franchises in the Midwest.
In newspaper parlance, tonight’s episode buried the lead. It should have devoted half its running time to Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino hooking up with a tranny. Instead, it was treated like a throwaway gag so the show could concentrate on truly scintillating drama like the fellas washing dishes and Sammi complaining about working in a Gelato shop. I worry that not even appearances by Johnny Yanks and J420 can save this season. That third season pick-up is looking awfully premature these days.