Let’s talk about Pauly D. (Or, rather, let’s “touwk” about him.) The kid’s pretty funny, and not in the way, say, Snooki’s funny passing out in the dog pen or breaking a $150 tricycle in a pharmacy. No, despite what you might assume from his hairstyle, neck circumference, and proclivity for rhinestoned shirts, Pauly D. has something that resembles actual wit. Such as when he plays duckphone defense against Snooki’s stalker (more on that in a minute) by launching into a pitch-perfect, three-part impression of an automated answering service, complete with separate mailboxes for each of the house’s girls. He’s quick on his feet, good-natured, and possesses the ancient Guido wisdom of how to attain a perfectly vertical hairstyle; it’s no wonder Snooki has her eye on his sperm.
Then again, he’s clearly more of the laugh at you type than the laugh with you type, as we see tonight with the return of Danielle, the girl who stalked his whole life in the first season and threw a drink in his face a few weeks back. After appearing to make amends, he invites her back to the house, a move that confuses and amuses his housemates. At first I thought, “Oh, isn’t that nice, Pauly is being mature about the fact that he branded this girl, who seems kind of nice and smart, if a little desperate to be on The Jersey Shore, a stalker on national TV, and he wants to give her a chance to redeem herself and maybe get a smush in while he’s at it. Good for him.” But nope, he was just looking to extend the gag by parading around in the “I Star Of David Jewish Girls” shirt she made him (which he presumably saved for an occasion such as this) and giggling as his roommates make not-at-all veiled “stalker” jokes. (Vinny: “When you have a baby, what kind of bird comes and delivers the baby? Oh right, a stork.” Pauly, displaying his superior wit and grasp of how words actually sound: “What did Jack climb up? The bean….?”) Danielle may be a little pushy and have a temper—not at all like the shrinking violets that compose the typical Jersey Shore female population—but did she really deserve to be mocked to her face and called a stalker on national television for a second time?
Then again, clearly the Jersey Shore cast has a fairly loose definition of the word “stalker.” Mere hours after she was sucking his tongue ring, Snooki was fleeing from her “stalker,” Jeff (a Genuine Seaside Guido ©), who seemed intent on apologizing to her, despite the fact that she basically flipped out at him for telling her the truth. Granted, that truth—that he was once engaged—isn’t generally the type of thing one divulges 14 hours after meeting someone, but it wasn’t quite the tragedy Snooki made it out to be. (“What else, do you have kids? Do you have an STD?” she wonders. Same thing, amirite? High five bro!) And hey, this guy stuck around to cuddle after she started her period mid-smush—really—fell off the stripper pole for her amusement, and took her to ride the rides on the boardwalk the next day. I bet he even went and sent her that bouquet of roses and fried pickles Pauly suggested. By most definitions, he seemed like a good guy with bad taste in piercings, but if there’s one thing we’ve learned about the Jersey Shore cast, it’s that they like to be the hunters, not the hunted. Showing interest in them, rather than allowing them to pummel their pelvises into you until you agree to wear their pajamas, is the surest way to get branded a stalker.
But alas, I’ve buried the lede: You guys, Ronnie’s asshole is bleeding. And no, it’s not because of his pain-in-the-ass girlfriend (ZING), it’s because he’s been drinking too much Ron Ron Juice. Everyone who accuses Jersey Shore of corrupting our youth must eat their words; thanks to Ronnie, now kids across this great land of ours know that the punishment for drinking too much is a bloody butthole and an insufferable relationship that makes everyone hate you.
It seemed for about eight seconds at the top of the show that Ron and Sammi’s latest reconciliation was going to stick for at least an entire episode, but before we could even depart Karma, Sammi Stinkface had returned, uttering her catchphrase, “Ronnie, I’m gonna go over there,” and proceeding to pout as Ronnie slammed vodka-Red Bulls. After returning home, she attempts to bring him food (but still no protein shake, GOD when will she learn) and feed him like a baby, but he vomit-burps into her face before vomiting for real, interrupting Sitch, who was in the middle of the Ceremonial Swapping Of The Pajamas with the lovely lady he brought home for the evening. Amazingly, our favorite couple sticks it out through his hangover shits and subsequent asshole blowout, but what really puts the 5,000th nail in the coffin of this relationship is, once again, the fact that Sammi never brings Ronnie the right food. Ronnie is mad because he makes her eggs, and she’s always too busy straightening her hair to make him anything and complains that his vodka sauce is too garlicky…? Or something? Honestly, who cares? There was a brief moment, when Sammi asked Ronnie point blank, “Do you want to break up?” that I imagined him responding “Yes, that would be lovely,” and them shaking hands and walking in opposite directions until they fell into the ocean and disappeared forever. Of course, there are still seven more episodes this season, so it was not to be. For those of you keeping score, their status at the end of the episode is “broken up.” My status is “over it.”
- “Who wants to bleed out their butt? I wouldn’t.” Profound as always, Sammi.
- “I don’t like work because I don’t like working.” The Tao of Snooki.
- Deena doesn’t give up her golden ticket unless it’s Halloween, or just if she feels like it. After all, “Face down ass up, that’s the way I like to have a good time.”
- Sammi on why Ronnie’s mad: “I didn’t do anything to him, like always.” Except that time you PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE.
- Snooki on Ron’s grumpiness: “Does he have his period?” Well, he is bleeding out his ass.
- Why was there a bottle of wine and a bottle of Windex sitting next to each other on the floor?
- “I hate the ocean. It’s all whale sperm. Everybody Google it. That’s why the water is salty. From the fucking whale sperm.”
- Forgot to mention the girls’ totally spontaneous visit to the sex store. Finally we have an explanation for this lovely visual (NSFW).
- Speaking of their dress-up session at the sex store: Damn, Jenni.
- Just curious: Does MTV foot the bill for Ron’s butt-probe?