I have a new theory about Jersey Shore. I’m starting to think it’s less a trashy examination of the mating and grooming rituals of Italian-style New Jersey types than a reality show about a group of roommates afflicted with the premature aging disease that afflicted Robin Williams in Jack (audiences for Jack, incidentally, were afflicted with two hours of Robin Williams playing an eight year old in the body of a hirsute middle aged man).
That explains a lot, doesn’t it? Here I’d been looking at the gang as twenty-somethings that behave like ten-year-olds when I suspect they’re all secretly nine-year-olds with a horrible aging disease that gives them the appearance of someone three times their age. After all, has anyone on the show ever done anything that suggests they’ve accrued anywhere from twenty-two to twenty-nine years of life lessons? Do they ever convey the wisdom or experience of age? Do they ever act, think or behave like adults? Or do they act like sex-crazed mental midgets week in and week out?
I must say, though, that I found the half-wits and dullard-Americans of Jersey Shore a lot more amusing this episode. I finally feel like we’re starting to move past the Ronnie/Sammi situation that has bored us to tears this entire season. I felt for Sammi when Ronnie was running roughshod over her heart but now that she’s taken him back and appears eager to fall “in love” with the idiot my sympathy has dissipated. She’s like the American people when they re-elected W: it’s hard to feel sorry for people who know exactly what kind of a shit-storm they’re in for, yet giddily re-up all the same.
Tonight was all about tension and hostility. The house once again split into warring factions, with Sammi “The Situation” Sweetheartentino unwisely facing off against Jenny “The Situation” JWowentino and Nicole “The Situation” Snookolentino. That is unwise, to put it mildly, because JWoww will cut a bitch with the quickness. I ain’t lying! You don’t not want to get on that hellcat’s wrong side because, as I wrote earlier, JWoww will cut a bitch with the quickness.
Tonight was full of horrible people doing horrible things. Nicole “The Situation” Snookolentino hooked up with a Hispanic gentleman, then spent much of the episode making mildly racist jokes before trying to set JWoww (who you may remember as a woman with a boyfriend) up with her inamorata’s pal. The gentleman in question was not overly attractive. In keeping with time-honored Jersey Shore tradition, the less-than-gorgeous individual was made to feel like a crime against nature/horror movie inbred axe-murderer before being curtly dismissed from the house. Oh, and several delightful minutes were devoted to DJ Pauly D bagging on some woman with herpes. I think that sequence is really going to hurt Jersey Shore when it’s up for a Peabody next year.
From the moment Vinnie “The Situation” Snookenwowatino professed his undying hatred for Angelina “The Situation” Angelinatina, I thought to myself, “Oh boy, those two are in for some hot, hot hate-fucking.” I was not wrong.
Incidentally, how disengaged is Mike “Jwoww” Sorrentino this season? His body is in Miami but his mind is diligently counting up all the money he’ll make for lifting up his shirt, smirking and making bitchy comments. Seriously, he might as well augment each zinger by making a Zorro snap in a Z formation. What were y'alls favorite Situationisms this episode? He truly is reality television's premiere Situationist.
Tonight was not quality television by any stretch of the imagination but it was bad in a very fun way. And I must admit that I’m enjoying DJ Pauly D’s role as sort of a mentally-challenged Greek Chorus who can be counted upon to state the obvious in the stupidest possible fashion.
Shit, I would buy tonight’s episode a Fossil watch, even if it wasn’t a sure thing Smush-wise.