Jersey Shore: "The Hangover"
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Jersey Shore: "The Hangover"

I apologize if this post is a little late. I was motorboating some Jell-O shot girls alongside my associates J420 and Johnny Yanks, then I was called upon to chair a meet of the Partnership for a Grenade-Free America. Granted, none of this was as important as my work at the local Gelato shop but it keeps me busy.

I do not envy the editors of Jersey Shore. These heroic souls, who toil in darkness and are denied the fame and infamy of Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s legendary abdominal muscles, are called upon week after week to transform bleary footage of oversexed hedonists drinking, fucking and fighting into a narrative with a plot, conflict and some semblance of coherence. Verily, they are Gods among men.

Tonight we witnessed the development of the season’s two overarching plotlines. In the first half of the episode, the tragic, tumultuous romance of Ronnie and Sammi, the Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor of the GTL set, dominated.

When we last saw the hulk-like steroid proponent and poster boy for anger management issues, he was transforming a trashy Miami nightclub into a drunken bacchanal and three-way kissing with the kind of women of easy virtue Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and DJ Pauly D might indelicately refer to as “grenades” or “rhinoceroses” and generally making an ass of himself. Oh, and also motorboating some Jell-O shot girls. Christ, I don’t even know what that means but I love the way it sounds coming out of Ronnie’s mouth.

Though the status of their relationship appears to be in constant flux, Sammi was deeply hurt by Ronnie’s drunken horndog antics. In the first season, Sammi did not come off well; she lived up to the “bitch” part of her persona as “the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet” much more than the “sweet” part. In fact, she seemed to keep the “sweet” part pretty damn well hidden.

But tonight Sammi came off as uncharacteristically vulnerable. For all her bad-girl posturing, she really seems to care for Ronnie and it’s hard not to feel for her at least a little bit. A very, very little bit.

The second half of the episode, meanwhile, was largely devoted to the second major theme of the season: Angelina versus Snooki and JWoww and Sammi. And also the world. Angelina is the Jersey Shore cast member you love to hate, a reality show villain who delights in cock-blockage and once memorably enthused, “If a girl’s a slut she deserves to be abused” yet, at the risk of understatement, does not appear to be saving herself for marriage. Or even saving herself for a dude who knows her name and isn’t blackout drunk and/or one of her housemates.

It’s long been established that Angelina is every girl’s nightmare but this season at least she won some favor by hanging out with the boys and joining their silly little clique. Alas, she fucked that all up tonight by getting dangerously drunk then hectoring DJ Pauly D for hooking up with an engaged woman.

That was bad enough but Angelina amplified her problems by drunkenly professing her love for DJ Pauly D, then insisting she thinks about him every day and offering to marry him, oblivious to his look of palpable disgust and horror. Just when it seemed like she could not dig herself any deeper, she slapped him. For good measure, she also professed to love Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.

Angelina was so out of control that an inebriated, exhausted DJ Pauly D(on the ones and twos) and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino emerged as the cool-headed voices of reason. Of course Angelina has history with both strapping specimens and by “history” I mean she drunkenly fucked them.

It was drama, drama, drama tonight. Nothing but fucking and fighting and tranny-clothes shopping and crazed Guido/Guidette melodrama. It was so action-packed we were denied the real meat of this season and enterprise: the fucking gelato shop. What kind of gelato do they sell? Is it good? Do they offer free samples? Hopefully the next episode will be devoted solely to the goings on in the gelato shot. As God-fearing Americans and connoisseurs of trash, we demand answers!

Stray Observations—

—“Ronnie, you in rare form today, dawg. I’m not hating”

—Haven’t we all had Snooki nights?

—The moment where Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino tried to order a pizza under the name “The Situation” felt like self-parody, almost as if the producers put him up to it. Could this have been a jump the shark moment?

—For Angelina to begin any sentence with “As a friend” is deliciously disingenuous

—Say what you will about our nation, we do have an abundance of wifebeaters

—Good night, Jersey Shore lovers. My weakness is that I love all of you so fucking much. That’s my downfall. Also, fuck you and enjoy your life!

  

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