There’s trouble in Snookiland, everyone. No, not that whole cop car crash thing. That didn’t even merit five minutes at the beginning of the show. Instead, this week’s all about Jionni — the American boyfriend — drama.
Here’s the deal: They’ve been fighting all season, but Snooki’s still really excited that he’s coming to visit. He has a tan penis and she wants to get it in. Plus, she thinks they’re going to have guido babies together, though via C-section, of course, because she doesn’t want the whole thing to fuck up her vagina.
Fair enough, right? Anyway, Jionni gets off the plane and shows up at the house. After steeling himself for the deed by taking a show and hanging up his clothes, he and Snooki take over the smush room. However many minutes later, they’re done and the gang’s heading to the club, Snooki clad in a leopard print Jenni-approved “dress,” though both Jionni and Ronny (try saying that five times fast) think it looks more like a bathing suit.
Fast forward nine or ten Camparis, and Snooki’s up on a banquette flashing her vag for the whole world to see. Literally, the whole world, because she’s on international television, not just ripped up in some club, and that’s what sets Jionni off. Like a flash, he’s out of the club and traversing the streets of Florence, supposedly running away from drunk Snooki.
Here’s the thing, though. He’s not really running away from Nicole Polizzi, the girl, right? He’s running away from “Snooki,” this character we see on the Jersey Shore. Sure, Nicole is Snooki and all that, but I think what Jionni’s reacting to is the way she presumably amps herself up in front of the cameras to be more, well, Snooki. Like, if she’s at Snooki level five on their craziest drunken nights without cameras, in Florence, dancing on a bench with her coo-ca out, she’s got to be at level 11.
You can’t blame the guy, really. Sure, in theory he knew what he was getting into, but he started dating Snooki when the show wasn’t taping and they got to know each other as just two semi-fabulous Guidos looking for love. He knew she was kind of a big deal, but somehow, he really didn’t expect for his whole life to be trash television fodder, and that’s fair enough. He’s not running away from just a relationship, but rather something that could affect his livelihood forever.
And run he did. Not even six hours into being in Italy, Jionni broke up with Snooki, packed his bags and headed, presumably, for the airport. Snooki, in turn, is a sobbing, screaming — literally screaming. Sorry, residents of Florence! — whirlwind of despair. She lays crying in bed while her roommates watch, empathetic. Snooki’s real life and her reality tv life have finally fused, leaving her crushed.
• It’s nice, though I don’t know that nice is the word, that Sammi realized “oh, this is what Ron and I are like,” tonight. As to whether that’ll change anything, who’s to say, but at least she can understand the nausea two people fighting can cause the roommates — and the world.
• Snooki’s prank of putting Brittany in Mike’s bed was indeed hilarious until he kicked that poor Australian girl out on the street alone, slapped his own clothes on Brittany, and bedded her crazy ass. Good for him, I suppose, for making hay while the sun shone — or as he put it, getting his hot dog in a bun — but, yuck. Just ick.
• Roger can’t come to visit Jenni because he “didn’t have enough notice” and got denied when he put in for the time off request. While you have to wonder how he didn’t have enough notice, consider the cast didn’t just up and take off for Italy on a whim, it’s sad all the same. It would have been nice to at least have Roger there to beat some sense into Jionni, or at least carry Jenni around while she searched for him.
• ‘I can’t wait for Mike to kick in the air and then slip on a banana and break his ankle.”
• Jenni’s club dress easily becomes a shirt when she gets home and puts on sweatpants. How convenient.
• Next week on Jersey Shore: Snooki and Vinny make out again.