Not that I'm insinuating anything, but doesn't it seem odd that last week Steve came into direct physical contact with Ambre, Destiney, and Jessica and suddenly this week he's calling in sick? Far be it from me to suggest that it's anything but mere coincidence, or that maybe today Steve was too busy looking into suppressive therapy to rock your world But whatever his burning, itching priority may be, it means I've been asked to pinch-hit on our shared reality show obsession, Bret Michaels' Search For Deep, Spiritual Blowjobs. So all you rabid Hydenites will just have to settle for my analysis this time around.
It's too bad this is the episode Steve had to play hooky on, because as Bret says, it's "Vegas, baby!" (Ah, Swingers the gift that keeps on giving.) Last year's Vegas episode offered up the best moments of the season–and dare I say it, some of the finest trainwrecks in reality television history–and just in case we forgot, here we saw a montage of that to remind us of the good times. There was Lacey crawling across, then promptly falling off the bar, Brandi M. emitting a perfect stream of puke from around her napkin misty water-colored memories of the way the show used to be at its most compulsively, shamefully watchable. So hopes were high that a return trip to Vegas would mean more of the same drunken hijinks, particularly with Heather still in tow. After the montage, there was even a subtle cut to Jessica–still coming off her humiliating, freshman girl's first bender from last episode–to suggest that we may see a repeat performance.
Unfortunately, Bret's plans to just "have a party night" are completely derailed by the girls being less interested in getting drunk and making asses of themselves and more interested in ganging up on Daisy like a pack of hissing house cats, something she spent approximately three-quarters of the episode crying about in her patented "Oh God, my face is melting!" way. As she herself put it, what do you people want from her? I mean, how much more forthcoming could she be? She used to be in love with her trying-too-hard L.A. bar band boyfriend, then they broke up, but because he's unemployed she was forced to keep sharing her bed with him every night for the last two years while she supports them both with the money she makes as a stripper. Really, what's so hard to understand about that? And obviously she's here for love, because it's not like she needs Bret to whisk her away from her life as a "dancer": Her fucking uncle is Oscar De La Hoya, for crying out loud. If that's not a golden ticket, then somebody needs to dig up Roald Dahl and ask him for a better definition.
Of course, it's hard to feel too bad for Daisy–which, granted, goes for pretty much anyone on a VH1 reality show–when she keeps unearthing new layers of heretofore undiscovered skank, like the fact that she used to "hang out with" Bret's bandmate C.C. DeVille. (Pause for projectile vomiting.) You could see in Bret's eyes that he's not too keen on reliving those sloppy seconds tour bus days, when he couldn't be sure if a groupie's lipstick smears belonged to her or his guitarist. Nevertheless, I think tonight proved definitively what Steve has predicted: Daisy looks set to win this thing, because if that admission didn't spur Bret to throw on the brakes, clearly no amount of dark secrets can diminish Bret's genuine, heartfelt love of Daisy's tits. Bret obviously sees the crazy, shallow soul inside all of that silicon and collagen, and he wants to deeply, meaningfully poke it with his penis. (Besides, by Daisy's own admission, they've hooked up "five or ten times;" just like last year's situation with Lacey, Bret has already sampled the milk and knows he wants to buy the cow. Or, at least, the udders.)
Apologies for so much revolting imagery in a row, but you have to admit, there's not much sweetness in this show–and that's doubly true now that Jessica is gone. Honestly, I'm surprised she lasted as long as she did, especially since (as Brandi M. demonstrated last season) puking is typically a bootable offense. This episode we got to see a little more about who Jessica is–including the oddly endearing revelation that she's really good at golf–but unfortunately that wasn't enough to save her, because (Cardinal Rock Of Love Sin No. 2) "she just can't handle Bret's rock 'n' roll lifestyle." Or, to use Bret's terms, he doesn't want his "world of jaded hurt crashing down on her." (It's like Jessica sees the rose but not the thorn, you know?) Probably a good call, considering Jessica's idea of "showing Bret my sexy side" involved some of the most awkward, repressed making out this side of a junior high dance; she should have taken lessons from Destiney, who used the golf game to repeatedly employ her favorite winning strategy: bending over and grabbing her ankles. Now that's showing someone your sexy side!
As for the one scene that will inevitably get dredged up for the reunion special, it was the girls' ambush of Daisy, resulting in another "You're grounded, young lady!"-type harangue from Mombre. Even Heather joined in, flinging a drink at Daisy that impacted mostly on the back of Mombre's head (don't you love how Heather didn't even acknowledge that?) and swearing that she will never let Daisy and Bret get together–once again proving that Heather still thinks she's in this competition. Of course, as always Destiney got to be Queen Bitch, following up a bizarre tantrum on the pool table by picking a fight with Daisy while Bret was trying to play blackjack. For the first time I can remember on this show, Bret actually seemed to get genuinely angry, declaring, "I'm done, man," and calling poor, beleaguered Big John in to lecture the ladies. After all, Bret flew them to Vegas on a private Learjet, set them up in the fanciest suite the Hard Rock had to offer, bought them all ridiculous fucking cowboy hats, and didn't even force them to complete a challenge. Hell, they didn't even have to suffer through one of his concerts. This is how they repay him? "Why are you disrespecting Bret?" indeed.
So now it's down to "the Holy Trinity"–or as Mombre put it, "Two rocker chicks and Ambre." My guess is next week Destiney is headed home to her pole, and it'll come down to clear winner Daisy and hanging-on-by-a-technicality Mombre, whom Bret hasn't eliminated yet because week after week he has "bigger fish to fry." Despite the fact that Mombre seems like the sanest person on this show–which naturally makes her participation all the sadder–there's obviously no way that Bret will opt for a woman like her over a crazy, blubbery, booby mess like Daisy. Can you imagine Mombre hanging out on the tour bus, acting overly excited about everything ("Oh my God! I get to see a sound check?!!"), making the band Rice Krispies squares, and then fellating Bret with the same crisply efficient cheerleader attitude she applies to everything? Neither can Bret, and that's why Daisy has been a lock for weeks now, no matter what went down tonight.
- The lyrics of Bret's new song: "If you know it isn't true, don't tell me that you love me." It's like, he takes what's going on around him and just channels it all through his music, man.
- Lots of good random quotes tonight: Daisy saying Mombre "probably wears granny panties;" Jessica saying, "It's on like Donkey Kong;" Bret saying, "The girls need some meat." But out of them all, my favorite had to be Bret telling Jessica, "What I love about you is you're young." That's Slick Willie for you, always with the smooth talk.
- Did anyone else notice that Heather is so weighted down with accessories that she's constantly clinking? Not only does she probably smell like a Scotch on the rocks, she actually sounds like one too.