The Amazing Race: "We're Good American People (Switzerland)"
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The Amazing Race: "We're Good American People (Switzerland)"

Happy Easter, everybody! I celebrated in the traditional manner handed down through the generations in my family—by eating a huge pot of fondue.  Mmm... so much cheesy goodness, especially after an hour or so when it gets all congealed and lumpy. Hey, it’s not for everyone, but it beats hunting for Easter eggs in my book.

Actually, an Easter egg hunt might have proven more competitive and entertaining than the tasks our Amazing Race teams participated in this week. It’s not entirely the fault of the challenge designers this time, particularly at the Roadblock, where the racers took it upon themselves to drain most of the suspense from the task by cooperating with each other. Cooperation—how I hate it! Especially on reality television, which generally benefits from the presence of a villain or two, or at least a loose cannon ala Gary Busey on Celebrity Apprentice. Sadly, it seems the teams have decided to be pals, so that a task that could have produced chaos and confusion—using a map to navigate from one end of Liechtenstein to the other on a motorized bike, tallying the distance along the way—falls flat when the teams share the final figure (22 kilometers) amongst themselves.

The major exception to the buddy system is Team Cowboy. Because they’re perceived as big threats (and probably also because they’ve never established much of a bond with any of the other teams), Jet and Cord are left out of the loop, which proves to be a setback when Jet comes up with a final figure of 35 kilometers and is forced to duplicate his efforts. This might not have been a problem had Gary and Mallory been tasked with a challenging Speed Bump, but I think we all knew that wasn’t going to happen. Remember when Michael and Kevin had to sit on blocks of ice for ten minutes? Well, that feat looks like scaling the Matterhorn in comparison to this one, as Gary and Mallory simply have to prepare the fuel mixture for their bike in the right proportion. This couldn’t have taken more than two minutes, which makes me wonder why they even bother with these Speed Bumps in the first place.

At least the Detour has an amusing name: Cheese or Wheeze. Having learned nothing from the eating challenge that just freakin’ happened last week, Zev and Justin and Kisha and Jen decide to eat heaping bowls of fondue,  rather than deliver luggage to various hotels in the ski resort town of Zermatt, Switzerland. The girls quickly bail on the task, but Zev and Justin decide to stick it out—and throw it up, in the case of Justin. The poor lads actually seem to be turning into cheese near the end of the task (Zev gives a priceless “food coma” look to the camera right before a commercial break), but despite plenty of repulsive belching, they do manage to finish before anyone has completed the luggage delivery, and they are once again Team Number One.

Transporting heavy objects through the streets must mean it’s time for Kent to start whining again, at which point I realize he sounds like Pee Wee Herman after his bike was stolen. I didn’t think it was possible for Kent to reach a new low, but he does so when Vyxsin offers to pull him around in the luggage cart and he accepts. For a moment, I thought she might have a devious plan to roll him in front of a bus, but alas, no: They make it to the pit stop behind Kisha and Jen and ahead of Gary and Mallory.

The Globetrotters and cowboys are bringing up the rear, and the dreaded Double U-Turn awaits. The scramble to find it provides the only real drama of the episode, but it’s the Globetrotters who get there first and U-Turn the cowboys. I’m not sure this was necessary, but I guess you never know when your electric taxi is going to have to pull over and charge up for 8 or 10 hours. One more “Oh my gravy” for the road, and Jet and Cord are eliminated. I’m more sad to see them go than I thought I’d be, but I’m even more sad that this once-promising season has been running on empty for weeks now. Maybe things will pick up as the finale approaches.

Stray observations:

  • Justin laughed way too hard at Zev’s “I’m not very fondue of this fondue” line. He must have been suffering from cheese dementia.
  • On the other hand, I did get a chuckle out of “It’s nice to fondue you.”
  • “I’m not gonna be able to poop for a long time.” Another missed title opportunity.
  • “I feel like Dumb and Dumber.”
  • Next week: Kent performs a scary task with courage and dignity. Just kidding!

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