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America's Next Top Model: season 13, episode 10
"Dive Deeper"
November 4, 2009 - 09:11p.m.
Tonight on Le Petit Top Model, the miniscule lil' modelettes are really starting to show their true tiny personalities. Bloody Eyeball has a stoner voice, but she's pretty sharp, and by "sharp" I mean "she can identify that Erin ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 13, episode 9
"Let's Go Surfing!"
October 28, 2009 - 08:10p.m.
On tonight's cultural sensitivity seminar/Petite ANTM, Tyra Banks helpfully explained to the teency-weency model nuggets, and to the world at large, that because Barack Obama is president, blackface is okay now! Finally, right? Well, that wasn't exactly ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 13, episode 8
"Interview 101"
October 21, 2009 - 09:10p.m.
Shouldn't these teeny tiny modelites, these scrappy lil' model nuggets, these wisps o' mini-models be halfway around the world in some foreign capital that isn't known at all for fashion, but that Bankable Productions will pretend is essential ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 13, episode 7
"Petite Ninja Warriors"
October 15, 2009 - 02:10a.m.
When Amelie said she was going to be gone this week and wanted someone to take over covering America’s Next Top Model for her, I think we all knew that it was going to be me writing the show ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 13, episode 6
"Dance With Me"
October 7, 2009 - 09:10p.m.
Now comes the point during the ANTM cycle/season when Tyra surveys the nine model heads in nine jars filled with life-sustaining fierce juice (aka vaseline, shhh, that's a secret) from her perch at the edge of the abyss ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 13, episode 5
"Take My Photo, Tyra!"
September 30, 2009 - 08:09p.m.
"Take my photo, Tyra!" "Take my photo, Tyra!" It's the phrase that Tyra hears whenever a breeze blows through the forest of the screaming model wannabes near Tyra's perch at the edge of the abyss. That's what ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 13, episode 4
"Make Me Tall"
September 23, 2009 - 09:09p.m.
As any longtime viewer of America's Next Top Girl In That One Cover Girl Magic Marker Hip Lip Stain Pains Ad Followed By A Lifetime Of Obscurity will attest, the show is obviously edited by the corral of babbling ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 13, episode 3
"The Fortress Of Fierceness"
September 16, 2009 - 08:09p.m.
Everyone okay? After what we went through tonight, it's perfectly normal to feel vaguely nauseated, dizzy, and like your head is stuck in the middle of a concrete block. It's not every episode of ANTM that the audience ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 13, episode 1 & 2
"How Short Can You Go?" & "The Early Bird Gets A Makeover"
September 9, 2009 - 10:09p.m.
Every 6 months or so, Tyra Banks gets an idea. You can tell, because the faint scent of metal and burnt happiness hangs in the air for two days afterwards. Earlier this year, Tyra propped herself up on her giant ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 12, episode 13
"Season Finale"
May 13, 2009 - 01:05p.m.
Tonight, Tyra Banks will shrug her shoulders from her perch at the edge of the abyss and halfway around the world a young child in Madagascar will be overcome with a bout of heaving uncontrollable sobs, the force of which ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 12, episode 12
"Take Me To The Jungle"
May 7, 2009 - 11:05a.m.
Last night, the Goddess Of Fierce slapped away her army of round-the-clock weave teasers (with Tyra's webbed fingers, a slap like that really hurts), and ordered the remaining contestants to be driven deep into the Brazilian jungle—more specifically ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 12, episode 11
"Let's Go See The City"
April 29, 2009 - 10:04p.m.
So, did everyone see droopy-eyed Natalie's round of bitter exit interviews? Apparently she's under the impression that America's Next Top Model is some kind of modeling competition, where the contestants are fairly evaluated by a panel of ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 12, episode 10
"The Amazing Model Race"
April 22, 2009 - 09:04p.m.
Ah, Brazil-Nut-ia! Ah, Sao Paulo! Land of women in painful-looking sequin bra-tops, and Carmen Miranda, and Botanical Gardens that (let's be honest) are not worth flying back for, and not-good areas that are (paradoxically) full of happiness, and capoeira ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 12, episode 9
"Take Me To The Photo Shoot"
April 15, 2009 - 10:04p.m.
"You want me to go to your country? Well it depends on what country you from."
[Frightened giggles]
"What the hell is this? A gift from your country." [Tyra holds the Brazil nut away from her like it's a ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 12, episode 8
"Acting Like A Model"
April 8, 2009 - 09:04p.m.
And now the continuation of ANTM...
Maybe it's just me, but did Tyra seem a little less TIRED this episode? She wasn't perky or frightening or angry or a confetti cannon of ridiculousisms, as on previous episodes of ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 12, episode 6
"Here's Your Test"
April 1, 2009 - 11:04p.m.
Once upon a time there lived a supermodel whose blood was so mingled with pure ridiculousness that, when angered, her hair flushed magenta, her forehead tensed up to form a craggy Andes of fury, and her voice growled forth with ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 12, episode 5
"Put Your Best Face Forward"
March 25, 2009 - 11:03p.m.
Bad news, everyone: Your regular guide to Tyra’s Next Top On-Air Meltdown, Amelie Gillette, cannot be with you tonight because she’s on vacation. Worse news: I’ve volunteered to be her replacement, despite not having watched a single ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 12, episode 4
"New York's Finest"
March 18, 2009 - 11:03p.m.
Following last week's Inspector Gadget impression, The Goddess of Fierce was so tired (being that tedious is exhausting) she snatched two toddlers from the pen, and slithered back to her plexiglass bridge over the abyss to await another photo ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 12, episode 3
"Do You Light The Way I Look?"
March 10, 2009 - 08:03a.m.
Now that Ru Paul's Drag Race has the market thoroughly cornered when it comes to high-camp reality competition shows that are vaguely about modeling, do you think Tyra knows she's obsolete? Do you think she sits at her ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 12, episode 1
"What Happens In Vegas" & "Fun And Games"
March 4, 2009 - 08:03a.m.
Last night, Tyra Banks fluttered her lash extensions on the edge of the abyss and a great cold wind rippled across the globe, ripping up trees, sweeping the deserts into furious sandstorms, and causing at least one tidal wave. But ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 11, episode 12
"America's Next Top Model Is..."
November 19, 2008 - 09:11p.m.
Well, how about that? An actual high-fashion model who doesn't have a weird personality or gimmick or vocal defect (hi, Jaslene!) won America's Next Top Model? Truly, this is an amazing country, with an amazing down-market tv network ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 11, episode 12
"Good Times And Windmills"
November 14, 2008 - 02:11p.m.
First off, allow me to apologize for the extreme tardiness of this review. Please know that I was not shirking my most sacred ANTM watching-then-writing duties. On Wednesday night, my DVR chose to commit suicide rather than tape the new ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 11, episode 11
"The Final Five"
November 5, 2008 - 09:11p.m.
The description for this episode on my cable guide read simply, "One model screams at the judges"--six words that made me embarrassingly excited. A go-see episode and a breakdown at panel episode, complete with Elina screaming (obviously it would ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 11, episode 10
"Planes, Trains & Slow Automobiles"
October 29, 2008 - 09:10p.m.
Bad news, ANTM blog fans: Your regular host, Amelie Gillette, could not be with you this evening, so I’ve been tapped as a last-minute replacement. If that’s not disappointing enough, it gets worse: I haven’t watched the ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 11, episode 9
"Now You See Me, Now You Don't"
October 22, 2008 - 09:10p.m.
If most episodes of America's Next Top Model are like being trapped in a constantly spinning gravitron of ridiculousness, tonight's episode was like being trapped in a gravitron of ridiculousness as it's bouncing on a trampoline in ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 11, episode 7
"The Fiercee Awards"
October 9, 2008 - 01:10a.m.
It's the episode we've all been waiting for (besides the makeovers, the go-sees, and the commercial tapings): the one where Tyra teaches the girls how to move their bodies. In previous cycle/seasons, this lesson involved unfortunate body ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 11, episode 6
"Natural Beauty"
October 2, 2008 - 12:10a.m.
This episode by the numbers:
4--number of distinct accents I heard Tyra use at panel (That odd sing-songy voice counts as an accent, right?)
6--number of actual natural disasters assigned to the models in the natural disasters photo shoot (Blackouts ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 11, episode 5
"Fierce Eyes"
September 24, 2008 - 09:09p.m.
Well, if there's one thing we learned from tonight's extra special double elimination (yea!) of ANTM, it's that you should never piss off Jeremy Scott. He is designer and it's about HIM not YOU (even though ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 11, episode 4
"You're Beautiful, Now Change"
September 18, 2008 - 10:09a.m.
I love the title of this, the makeover episode, because it hints at Tyra's major motivations for these and all ANTM makeovers: Either she's being passive aggressive about the girls' beauty ("No, you look great...we're just ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 11, episode 3
"The Ladder Of Model Success"
September 10, 2008 - 09:09p.m.
"What I do: my. mind. goes. some. where. else." A valuable piece of advice, delivered in stunning self-important staccato, by Tyra herself that could be applicable in any number of ways to any number of the contestants on this cycle ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 11, episode 1 & 2
"The Notorious Fierce Fourteen" & "Top Model Inauguration"
September 3, 2008 - 07:09p.m.
The gravitron of ridiculousness that Tyra built, America's Next Top Model is now on its eleventh cycle–a fact that sends shivers up the spine, and waves of nausea up the esophagus. Still, Bankable Productions' ability to crank out ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 10, episode 12
"And The Winner Is..."
May 14, 2008 - 09:05p.m.
So, not to gloat, but I toooold you so. Whitney won! And, if you don't like it, Whitney will stomp over to your fridge, extensions floating on a gust of wind of her own creation, and direct you to ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 10, episode 11
"Ready For My Close-Up"
May 7, 2008 - 09:05p.m.
"Just pull it up."
[Dominique giggles. Adjusts Dominique's shirt on Dominique slightly. Stares blankly.]
"Uh, no. You've got to pull it up."
[Dominique adjusts Dominique's shirt again. Starts to pull Dominique's shirt back from Dominique's ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 10, episode 10
"We Are Spartans!"
May 1, 2008 - 03:05p.m.
First off, please allow me to apologize for my tardiness in bringing you this recap. I was jet-lagged from my commercial flight. Now that that's out of the way...
Last night's episode was the episode that every ANTM ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 10, episode 9
"Viva Italia!"
April 23, 2008 - 09:04p.m.
Evidently the girls did have fun on their commercial flight–well, everyone except Fatima, who caught a bad cold on the dirty, dirty, non-catalog, non-couture, Tyra-free flight to Italy. But sickness works for Fatima. According to the judges, it renders ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 10, episode 8
"For Those About To Walk, We Salute You"
April 16, 2008 - 09:04p.m.
"Have fun on your commercial flight!" Has there ever been a better dismissal? Those words almost traced a silhouette of a drag queen striking an "Oh snap" pose in the air as soon as they escaped Tyra's mouth. I ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 10, episode 7
"If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere"
April 2, 2008 - 09:04p.m.
I usually ignore the titles of these episodes because, well, it's just one more thing to ignore when watching ANTM, like logic, intelligence, and Tyra's affinity for showy accents. But, come on: "If You Can't Make It ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 10, episode 6
"House Of Pain"
March 26, 2008 - 09:03p.m.
Oh, Aimee's a Mormon? Aww, and she was so cute as a little girl, tucked underneath her mom's prairie sleeve and long hair. Well, Aimee, I hope your mom still has hair that long, because she can use ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 10, episode 5
"Top Model Takes It To The Street"
March 20, 2008 - 08:03a.m.
Commercial! Couture! Catalogue! Stop: you're all wrong. (The correct answer is Poster Paint Bukkake.)
This episode had nothing to do with those three things, no matter how much Benny Ninja and his superhero posing kilt wanted it to be ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 10, episode 4
"Where's The Beef?"
March 12, 2008 - 11:03p.m.
At what point does a metaphor cease to be a metaphor? Is it when a crazed "runway coach" takes you to a fire house in order to illustrate backstage, quick-change chaos at a fashion show? Close, but not quite. That ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 10, episode 3
"Top Model Makeovers"
March 5, 2008 - 09:03p.m.
Wal-Mart and several Cover Girl products at dawn, the East River and cheesy lingerie at dusk: Tyra really is making use of all that New York City has to offer, right? Maybe next episode the Fab Cab can take the ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 10, episode 2
"New York City, Here We Come"
March 2, 2008 - 05:03p.m.
First off, fellow ANTM endurers, allow me to apologize. I was apparently so traumatized by Cycle 9 and/or so immersed in Project Runway and things that aren't television (a few exist), that I completely missed the season, cough ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 9, episode 13
"The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model"
December 12, 2007 - 11:12p.m.
The news came down with a resounding "Duh," followed by a series of extended yips and shrieks. America's Next Top Girl Who Does A Series Of Cover Girl Commercials During The Next Cycle Of ANTM, Followed By A Long ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 9, episode 12
"The Girls Go To The Great Wall"
December 5, 2007 - 09:12p.m.
Well, the bitch is dead. Not that it really matters if Bianca's in the competition or not. We all know who's winning this cycle: You can see it in her widely set eyes. You can feel it in ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 9, episode 11
"The Girls Go On Go-See Adventures"
November 28, 2007 - 09:11p.m.
After watching tonight's ANTM I am left with only one question: Who is everyone going to vote for as next week's Cover Girl Of The Week?!? (I'm guessing the 20 regular voters will rally behind Saleisha and ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 9, episode 10
"The Girls Go To Shanghai"
November 22, 2007 - 01:11a.m.
Tonight's episode of Top Model was fueled not by Mr. Jay's constructive and conflicting criticism, or by Tyra's ego, or even by some kind of alternative fuel (nice green cycle, Tyra). No, tonight's ANTM was powered ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 9, episode 9
"The Girl Who Starts To Lose Her Cool"
November 15, 2007 - 09:11a.m.
America's Next Top Model asks us to believe a lot of things that are obviously lies: That these girls could actually be high-fashion models, for one. That Mr. Jay's advice is constructive and coherent. That there is a ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 9, episode 8
"The Girl Who Crawls"
November 7, 2007 - 11:11p.m.
We're finally over the clip show hump, and it is much better on the other side. Well, it's manageable on the other side, at least. Technically we're still in the weeding out phase, but now that Real-Size ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 9, episode 6
"The Girl Who Gets A Mango"
October 24, 2007 - 10:10p.m.
Wow. (And I mean that as unenthusiastically as possible.) The weeding out episodes are just unbearable, aren't they? Can they please just hurry up and send the girls on the requisite "As a model, you have to be ready ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 9, episode 5
"The Girl Who Is Afraid Of Heights"
October 17, 2007 - 11:10p.m.
The description of this episode on my digital cable read, "Models learn to pose with movement; gargoyles." That pretty much sums it up. (Although I'm sure Time Warner meant to write "gar-GIRLS," right, Tyra?)
This episode still officially falls ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 9, episode 4
"The Girl Who Goes Bald"
October 11, 2007 - 01:10a.m.
Since the start of this cycle of ANTM, one question has reverberated endlessly in my brain: What will Jenah (the extra "h" is for "ugh")look like with an uneven, extremely long, platinum blonde weave? Tonight I finally got a ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 9, episode 3
"The Girls Go Rock Climbing"
October 3, 2007 - 10:10p.m.
I was praying for makeover week. With Amelie out on vacation and me tasked with walking in her hate-filled shoes, I was relying on makeover week to provide me with all the easy bon mots necessary to get me through ...
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America's Next Top Model: season 9, episode 2
"The Models Go Green"
September 26, 2007 - 11:09p.m.
Hey, did everyone know that this season, ahem, excuse me, cycle of America's Next Top Model is the green season/cycle? No? Well, that was just one of the many PSAs Tyra seamlessly wove into the biodegradable fabric that ... -
America's Next Top Model: season 9, episode 1
"The Girls Go Cruisin'"
September 20, 2007 - 10:09a.m.
It seems unbelievable, but it's taken nine cycles, four years, and one network merger for America's Next Top Model to finally, finally end up on a cruise ship. Shouldn't this have happened 6 cycles ago? How could ...
