All-nighter survival guide
The A.V. Club enables your irresponsible procrastination
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At some point during the next nine months you will be faced with one of the uglier parts of the school year: an all-nighter. And not a good all-nighter either, filled with illegal activities and actions you’ll regret later in life. We’re talking about bad all-nighters, filled with reading, writing, and (gulp) maybe even a little arithmetic or whatever it is you math majors study. To help you get through those long nights, The A.V. Club has compiled a list of must-haves to make a marathon study session a little more bearable.
FOOD
Humans need food. You wouldn’t know it by looking at the Ramen-filled diet of a college student, but it’s true. Your body needs fuel to get through a night of no sleep, so consider these options before settling in for the long haul.
Jack’s frozen pizza: It’s cheap, tasty, and can be made quickly. You can grab three of them for 10 bucks and, because Jack’s Pizza has a thin crust, you can eat a lot of them without getting full quickly.
Chips and bean dip: It doesn’t matter what kind of chips or bean dip you get, because the aftermath of your snack is the goal. It’s hard to doze off when everyone in the room is filling the air with noxious gas.
DRINK
As fun as it would be to drink your way through an all-nighter, it’s just not practical. You’ll get hammered, have to read everything nine times over, and end up passing out on your floor. Stay sober through the night with these alternatives.
Café Bustelo: Forget Starbucks. When getting through a long night there’s nothing better than a huge pot (or five) of Bustelo. One of the strongest Cuban coffees available in the United States, Bustelo is finely ground and can be used for coffee, espresso, cappuccino, or iced coffee.
Water: You need to hydrate! Not for the “it’s good for you” aspect, but because the more you drink, the more you’ll have to use the bathroom. Exhaustion won’t get the best of you when you have to pee every 10 minutes.
TV
The tube can be a good study buddy as long as the TV shows are easy to ignore. Just stay away from anything too stimulating. Thankfully there’s nothing stimulating on TV at 2 a.m. There are only two kinds of programming, both ideal for studying.
Talk Shows: What’s easier to ignore than a talk show? Nothing. Every episode of every talk show is the same: He/she is cheating on you; he is not the father; he/she does have a venereal disease.
Infomercials: Wouldn’t your life be cleaner with a Shamwow? Wouldn’t you like the Video Professor to show you how to copy a file on your computer? Don’t you have something that’s begging for Mighty Putty? You probably know each and every of these crappy, crappy products, which proves you can absorb television without paying attention.
MUSIC
Background music keeps your ears busy while your brain is hard at work. It will also keep you awake if you play the right stuff.
Battles: This New York-based quartet will keep you plowing through the night with its thundering bass and steady drums, making you read, write, and think faster than you thought possible. The rhythm is like speed, creating the perfect (and very, very loud) soundtrack for your all-nighter.
Cannibal Corpse: Scientists have tested the effects of this legendary death-metal band and their conclusions are unanimous: No human has ever fallen asleep to Cannibal Corpse. Died, yes. But never fallen asleep.
