Local Newswire Bloomingdale’s ends 2-decade domestic partnership with MN, closes MOA franchise

During what’s sure to go down as one of the most awkward family brunches of 2012, large, expensive department store Bloomingdale’s shocked friends and relatives by announcing that it will soon be shutting down its Mall Of America location, effectively ending its nearly 20-year domestic partnership with the state of Minnesota. The expansive, multi-tiered shrine to the good old days of capitalism stressed that the relationship had been “valuable,” and that its time with the upper-Midwestern state had taught the store “what it means to be truly committed,” but refused to give a rationale for the breakup until its employees had been properly informed. But even despite a lack of concrete information, murmured rumors hissed rapidly around the brunch table, with whispers of everything from “Minnesota really let itself go” to “Bloomingdale’s never appreciated Minnesota’s stability and work ethic” making the rounds between sips of mimosas.

According to KARE 11, “According to Wikipedia, Bloomingdale's occupys [sic] 210,000 square feet at the mall,” which is not only a great example of journalistic citation, but also an excellent demonstration of spelling. The one-stop shop is the first of the MOA’s grotesquely huge anchor stores to close since the labyrinthine, internationally famous tourist trap opened in 1992. It’s not clear what will fill the soon-to-be-vacant space, but we’re crossing our fingers for an adult superstore or the world’s largest Bennigan’s. [KARE 11]