Local Newswire CDC shocks the world, releases study claiming that Wisconsinites are drunk

Fulfilling its duty as the Buzz Killington of governmental organizations, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has published the scary results of a nationwide telephone survey on the prevalence of binge-drinking among Americans. Unsurprisingly, our surly neighbors to the east, the Wisconsinites, topped the pyramid of alcoholic consumption with an impressive 25.6 percent of respondents in that state reporting that they had had at least one binge-drinking episode/adventure in the previous month. Hard numbers for Minnesota are not readily available in the CDC’s article, but we do appear on the map as the same dark shade of green as WI, as are all the upper-Midwestern states (except South Dakota, for which there’s no data, probably because they were too shitfaced to pick up the phone), meaning we’re probably pretty close to their level of inebriation. No suppositions have been made as to why Minnesota and her neighbors are plagued by the dark specter of binge-drinking, but we think it might be related to the high number of boring college towns in each state. We think it might also have something to do with the high number of 40something men whose best years were spent on their respective high school football fields, and who have now resigned themselves to a life that consists of operating a forklift for 3M and picking up a case of Natty Ice on the way home from the warehouse every night. [Pioneer Press]