Christian Ponder—hunky enough to get the job done?
Armchair scouts are coming out of the woodwork this week to size-up the Vikings decision to move forward with rookie quarterback Christian Ponder at the helm. At 1-5, the switch smacks of a rebuilding admission. Terms like “poise,” “arm strength,” “playbook comprehension,” and “football IQ” are serving as the talking points de jour, as experts and fans alike try to project what the Florida State product will bring to the gridiron. That’s all well and good, but these pontificators are ignoring one steamy/overlooked intangible: sexiness. A quick Google image search for “Christian Ponder” will reveal how the silent majority feels; two of the top-three suggested searches are “christian ponder girlfriend” and “christian ponder shirtless.” As for the images themselves? Pretty damn studly. Let’s just say center John Sullivan hit the jackpot when it was announced the amorous young gunslinger will be gettin’ grabby with him 60 minutes a week.
The McNabb-to-Ponder hotness upgrade got us thinking: Does the attractiveness of a quarterback have any bearing on how well they fare competitively? Studies like this one have appeared for years, ostensibly asserting that good-looking folks have it easier in the workplace; we’re posing that the same logic applies to signal-callers in the world of professional quarterbacking.
A step-up from McNabb
Look, we went to bat for McNabb a couple weeks ago. It’s sad to see the aging star dissed by another team, but football fans are an impatient bunch. Issues with McNabb’s accuracy, ball placement, mechanics, and yardage production are all valid. His looks—while certainly not repugnant—may have been a deal breaker as well. Fans of the male specimen, do you prefer the pudgy greybeard on the left or the spicy playboy on the right? Exactly. Lest we forget, Ponder’s no slouch from a technical end. Here’s Jock Itch’s post-draft scouting report:
This is what we know about Ponder: He’s a gritty, smart player. The 6-foot 3-inch, 230-pounder started three years in a pro-style offense; he’s sharp, having graduated in 2.5 years with a finance degree and a 3.7 GPA. Arm-wise, he tosses beautifully in the short/medium range, but struggles with the deep ball. The biggest concern is Ponder’s suspect durability. His elbow was operated on twice in college, causing him to miss considerable playing time. A lot of people are likening Ponder to former Jet/Dolphin Chad Pennington: an injury-prone technician who makes up for a lack of arm strength with game knowledge.
He bests the boyish Pennington in the looks department, a variable that report neglected.
The looks of champions
If a Hollywood executive drew-up a prototype quarterback, it’d look remarkably similar to the chiseled and hunkish one in New England: Tom Brady, ladies and gentlemen. He mates with supermodels; he’s got that goddamn chin thing; he wins Super Bowls—three, to be exact. As for the top-five winningest quarterbacks in NFL history (by percent), four of the five are certified babes. We have the unparalleled sex appeal of Brady at the top spot, following by the classically handsome Roger Staubach, the affable eroticism of Joe Montana, the unfortunate inclusion of a piggish Ben Roethlisberger and, finally, the roguish moxie of Jim McMahon. ’70s cocksmen Terry Bradshaw and Montana are tied for the most all-time Super Bowl wins by a quarterback at four. The Big Ben inconsistency is troubling. It’s possible Roethlisberger became a sexual bully due to his own frustrations with looking like a fat turd. Still, there’s no excuse to be as shitty of a human being as he is. So what about the losers, the all-time duds at football’s premier position? Unsurprisingly, they’re a bunch of ugg-os. Vinny Testaverde looks like a Testaicle; Chris Chandler looks fresh outta the trailer park; Kerry Collins’ is as cavemanish as this mock-up; the world did itself a service by forgetting that Joe Ferguson existed; and current CBS Sports analyst Boomer Esiason continues to turn people off with his blinding whiteness.
The right stuff
The hotness potential of Christian Ponder is an arousing trait. We’ve got a smart cookie with something of a Brady chin, nice upper-body definition, and the cool demeanor to bed any fan or strike fear into any opponent, not to mention a finely coifed, wavy head of dark tresses that seems to whisper: “I just woke up, but I could go again.” Not sold? Check out the 1:40 mark of this vid from this past summer:
Whew… my God. As an NFL expert, the next logical scouting area has to be which celebrity hunks Ponder most resembles. There’s certainly a streak of McDreamy, a dash of Taylor Lautner, and perhaps a smidgeon of John Cusack—in all, a certifiably do-able sum of those sweltering parts. Football success might evade young Ponder early on, but you can’t coach beauty—something the lusty rookie passer has in spades.
