Club some seals, and other ways to have an authentic Thanksgiving

America has a proud history of taking its most sacred holidays and allowing shrewd marketing types to distort them beyond all recognition—as with Thanksgiving, when we celebrate the first breaking of bread between Plymouth colonists and the American Indians they eventually drove to near-extinction by stuffing ourselves with deep-fried turduckens and watching college football. But you don’t have to take part in this travesty. Here are some tips for celebrating Thanksgiving exactly like the Pilgrims that will make you a better American than everyone else.

Skip the ham; bring on the swan and seal.
The colonists hadn’t yet butchered any pigs by the autumn of 1621, but they’d slaughtered everything else they could get their hands on. In addition to traditional meats like turkey, venison, and duck, you should also carve up some fat slices of eel, swan, crane, and seal meat. This will also provide some great topics for conversation, like, “Where did you find seals this far inland?” and, “Why is PETA protesting on the lawn?”

Leave out the vegetables.
The first Thanksgiving was a carnivorous bloodbath, and if the American Indians hadn’t brought along some corn and pumpkins, there hardly would have been any vegetables on the table at all. Don’t worry about that uncomfortable “full” feeling caused by lack of roughage in your diet; that’s just the swelling of pride.

Serve people according to their social standing.
Before “equality” ruined everything, the best food went to the most important people, while the bootblacks and common whores were left to chew on whatever piece of seal gristle they could scrounge up. Have everyone bring along last year’s tax return and a letter of reference before distributing plates.

Forget about courses.
The Pilgrims were too busy taming a wild new frontier to worry about eating in courses. Dishes were brought to the table whenever they were hot, then shoveled directly into mouths using only “spoons and large pieces of cloth.” This year, just mash your turkey, sweet potato pie, and eel fritters into one big, patriotic ball so your guests can get on with their afternoon already. That’s the American way.

All facts sourced from Kathleen Curtin, Food Historian at Plimoth Plantation.