Jock Itch Get blitzed: a Pro Bowl drinking game

It’s a universally accepted fact that the Pro Bowl is a vacuous, unnecessary, tiresome waste of a perfectly good Sunday. Players don’t give a damn about the game. Fans care even less. Most folks would rather watch the Puppy Bowl. In short, the Pro Bowl is the ruffled Lay to the Super Bowl’s Dutch Crunch Jalapeño Cheddar chip—as boring as it is bland, edible only when there is nothing else in the cabinet to shove down the face hole, ultimately leaving the consumer feeling sick to their stomach and ashamed for having gone through the entire bag. Those foolish enough to watch the entire game have been known to cry out in horror, “Give me the Super Bowl, or give me death!”

Football scholars and Internet jackals alike have suggested ways to fix the game, to add a hint of excitement to an otherwise deadening spectacle. Proposals range from making the Super Bowl winner play against the Pro-Bowlers (admittedly a cool idea) to morphing the half-paced game into a live version of 1993 Sega Genesis classic Mutant Football League. Surely the players would try harder if they had to avoid landmines and fire pits scattered across a post-apocalyptic nightmare field—if they were playing not out of obligation but for their very survival!

Unfortunately, neither a Champion-Pro Bowl game nor a radioactive death match is ever likely to happen (though fingers are crossed for the latter). There is, however, one surefire solution to the Pro Bowl problem: alcohol. A quality drinking game can do wonders for the Pro Bowl experience. Your worst case scenario is that you get as drunk as Joe Namath, and who wouldn’t like that, besides Suzy Kolber?

First and foremost, each player must choose a team: AFC or NFC. There’s some wiggle room from that point on depending on how familiar you and your pals are with the game of football, but the easiest application of a drinking game derives from touchdown scoring, with minute add-ons. Depending on how intoxicated you want to get, you can either drink for positive plays or negative plays. For the sake of argument, the rules listed below are to be used when your team does something negative in terms of shots. Yardage and shot totals can be adjusted as the game progresses. Just remember to keep it simple, stupid; your drunk self will be thankful.

Pre-game: This is a communal game and about getting drunk, so whether or not you choose heads or tails on the coin flip, you’re having a drink.

The Game: One drink for any pass beyond 30 yards, any rush for over 20 yards, any back with 100 rushing yards in the game, any quarterback with over 200 passing yards in the game, or for every two turnovers a team records. These totals are set based on last year’s Pro Bowl to make sure that you’re feeling buzzed without going so far as killing yourself. You may have the impulse to deflate these numbers, but don’t go anywhere near general fantasy rules. That’s a one-way trip to the hospital and a comfortable suite in the morgue.

Touchdowns: The one beauty of the Pro Bowl is that there are generally a lot of points put on the board, and points equal drinks. Every offensive touchdown scored is one drink. Defensive touchdowns are worth two drinks. 

Final: Losers have a drink; winners show camaraderie by, you guessed it, having a drink. After all, isn’t that what football’s all about? Just pretend that it is. Spend the rest of the week in detox mode. There’s going to be plenty more drinking the following Sunday.

Swear Bonus: Any time you hear a curse word, everybody drinks.

Announcer Bonus: Any time one of the broadcasters says something insanely stupid, as agreed upon by a majority, everyone has a drink.

Local Rules: The following bonuses are for residents of Minnesota/Wisconsin/The Dakotas, but you can modify the teams and specific players based on your applicable rivalry.

Vikings Bonus: The Pro Bowl is bad enough on its own, but it’s even worse when your hometown team gets barely any selections. Adrian Peterson managed only 12 games in this injury-filled season, which means that he didn’t make the Pro Bowl for the first time in his career and that the Minnesota Vikings have only one true Pro Bowl Selection: defensive end Jared Allen (Chad Greenway was added a couple of weeks ago in place of injured Bear Lance Briggs). The Viking Bonus applies in the rarest of circumstances, specifically if Jared Allen picks for six. In this event, all Packers fans in attendance, regardless of chosen team, must take three drinks.

Anti-Packers Bonus: If Aaron Rodgers throws an interception then all Packers fans, regardless of chosen team, must take one drink and then yell, “Discount Double Check!” as they weep bitterly. Considering how well Rodgers has played this year, an interception, sadly, is not probable.