News Net Heroin and motorcycling more popular in Minnesota than ever before

Since sifting through dull newspapers, hyperbolic blogs, and overflowing RSS feeds for meaningful news can be an arduous process, News Net catches and compiles both the amusing and the significant reports that were overlooked throughout the weekend. Here are some things to think about as the workweek begins.

• Republican presidential hopeful (and lone Fundamentalist Christian holdout against Mormon cultist Mitt Romney) Rick Santorum is coming to Minnesota today to kiss ass before the Feb. 7 caucus. The U.S. Senator and tooth model will host a town hall in Luverne at the local Pizza Ranch, which is the place to be if you’re hoping to garner the allegiance of paranoid, obese Midwesterners. Santorum’s stop is sure to give way to comparisons between the flavor of Pizza Ranch’s cuisine and that of the frothy mix of fecal matter and lube that is sometimes the product of anal sex. [City Pages]

• Evangelical secularist group MN Atheists has been buying up adspace for a series of misguided billboards that, in the style of Prolife Across America, feature photos of wuvable babies paired with anti-religious aphorisms, which is in no way distasteful or even mildly ironic. The ads are comprised of Comic Sans-ed quips like, “Please don’t indoctrinate me with religion. Teach me to think for myself.” and, “We are all born without belief in gods. Learn how to be a born-again atheist” hovering next to a wide-eyed toddler who certainly isn’t being exploited and/or used to exploit the baser reproductive instincts of passersby. Very cool. Very original. Very effective. Have you noticed how nobody goes to church anymore? Pretty sure that’s the billboards at work. [PiPress]

• An 18-year-old St. Francis High School student is currently suspended from attending classes because of a tattoo that features the Confederate flag running down his upper left arm. He has been told by administrators that the tattoo must be covered before he can return to school. In addition to violating the St. Francis High School’s official policy banning the display of the Stars and Bars, it also violates the school’s unofficial policies banning poorly drawn/stupid tattoos and the wearing of sleeveless hillbilly shirts to class:

• Heroin and other opiates are enjoying their highest level of popularity in Twin Cities history, according to a report from the MN Dept. of Human Services. At the same time, the MN Dept. of Public Safety reports that motorcycle ridership is at an all-time high for the state, with over 400,000 people licensed to weave dangerously through traffic like badasses. We’re crossing our fingers that there will be some overlap in these two stories, because who doesn’t want MN to be scourged by Biker Junkies?