How to handle a Situation in the Twin Cities

Like so many reality-TV stars before them, the roommates from MTV's Jersey Shore have graciously made themselves available for pricey nightclub appearances nationwide. On Feb. 27, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will be hitting Bootleggers for a fist-pumping, shot-slamming, ab-flexing good time. The Twin Cities may not have a boardwalk, an ocean view, or a sizable population of self-described Guidos, but The A.V. Club is determined to make The Situation feel more at home. (This itinerary can also help everyone else feel more like The Situation.)

Let’s get the important stuff out of the way first: GTL—gym, tanning, laundry. When it comes to choosing a gym, The Situation doesn’t need frills. You think he maintains those abs with Zumba classes? He could get the job done lifting free weights in some guy’s garage, but that would mean wasting an opportunity to creep on some bangin’ chicks. While in town, Mike should work out at Lifetime Fitness (615 2nd Ave. S., 612-752-7000), which seems to be at the center of an unusual number of Craigslist Missed Connections. And thanks to the club’s free trial membership, he can pump his daily iron gratis.

From there, it’s just a few blocks to Lakeside Tan (45 7th St. S., 612-344-4000). The Situation will have no problem standing out in a crowd of pasty mid-winter Midwesterners, but fans will want to see him looking extra toasted. Lakeside offers several ways to enhance one’s complexion, including UV-free spray-tanning, an option we hope he’ll consider so that we may have a Situation on our hands for years to come. Before getting some color, he can drop off his club wear across the street at White Way Cleaners (40 7th St. S., 612-746-3935).

Since The Situation was known to whip up banquets for his roommates, a good restaurant recommendation is key. Buca di Beppo, with its pope-encrusted walls, strives to be the restaurant equivalent of loud-mouthed Italian American pride, but recommending a crappy chain is just disrespectful (on par with those Ragu commercials where Italian grannies jump for joy over jars of tomato paste and corn syrup). Instead, he should check out the giant portions at the family-owned Yarusso-Bros. Italian Restaurant (635 Payne Ave., St. Paul, 651-776-4848), or do it deli-style at Cosetta’s Italian Market & Pizzeria (211 7th St. W., St. Paul, 651-222-3476).

Since the cast sold souvenir T-shirts in exchange for living in their Seaside Heights shore house, he can wrap up his trip by buying the local equivalent, perhaps a “Minnesota Is For Punk-Ass Bitches” shirt from Stroker Ace (3404 Lyndale Ave. S., 612-823-8888). Mike’s summer job also earned him a reputation for charming countless ladies into buying underpants with his named plastered across the back. We’d be surprised if his current appearance schedule didn’t involve similar merchandising, and what better place to order some new inventory than a company called Shameless (2013 Hennepin Ave. S., 612-669-3576). The screen-printing shop buys wholesale from American Apparel, which has been known to churn out some wonderfully tacky underthings. With his star on the rise, he should upgrade from plain old cotton drawers to gold lamé hot pants. Now that’s how you create a Situation.