Let's get tropical: A guide to alcoholic island-hopping

There are few defenses against the winter blahs more foolproof than a tropical drink—assuming you don't poke yourself in the eye with the mini-umbrellas, they can do no wrong, especially in this icy age. Drawn from Hawaiian, Polynesian, and Caribbean cultures, tropical drinks are sugary fruit-infused drinks meant to be enjoyed slowly over a lazy afternoon (or, if you prefer, quickly, resulting in a trip to the lost-and-found the next day to look for your coat). As the sun continues its vacation from Minnesota, The A.V. Club hunted down some “I’m on the beach!” denial aids around town.

South Seas Grog
The thing about Psycho Suzi’s (2519 Marshall St. NE, 612-788-9069) is that even with its detailed tiki menu, whatever is actually inside the dark cavernous mugs looks more like murky river water than the deliciously spicy rum-deluged drink within. The South Seas Grog tops the list for its impeccable mix of sweet and sour without that sharp-pain-in-your-fillings effect.
Ingredients: A blend of rum, lemon, and the intriguingly vague "island flavors."

Caipirinha
A well-mixed caipirinha tastes like a very sweet limeade and goes down easy, but the high sugar content will chemically destroy your brain, creating an epic hangover that can only be cured by another caipirinha. This is the cycle of success for the national cocktail of the ultimate party nation, Brazil. Its Minnesotan iterations can be found at Chino Latino (2916 Hennepin Ave., 612-824-7878) and Azia (2550 Nicollet Ave S, 612-813-1200).
Ingredients: cachaça, sugar, and lime.

Mai tai
This sinister-sounding concoction was either dreamed up by outrageous culture-sacker Don The Beachcomber after accurately sussing the Hawaiian zeitgeist in 1933, or invented by sleazy Horatio Alger type “Trader” Vic J. Bergeron in 1944. (It’s kind of awesome that this is disputed, incidentally—the world was smaller then.) At the heart of this drink is the rum, balanced by the sourness of the limes and the sweetness of the syrups to make a delicious throwback to another era; King & I Thai (1346 Lasalle Ave., 612-332-6928) conjures up a good one.
Ingredients: Rum, apricot brandy, tropical fruit juices, and a float of Myers.

El Orgazmo
Not an official cocktail of the tropics, but one you'd still expect to see on Gilligan’s Island, this blended rum drink is served in a whole pineapple. After one of these, you might feel like you're inside a pineapple yourself.
Ingredients: The version at Chino Latino is made with Cruzan Pineapple, Malibu, and Bacardi O rums, blended with a pineapple and served in another one.

Wondrous Punch
The Red Dragon (2116 Lyndale Ave. S, 612-874-8877) is beloved by Uptowners thanks to its late-night Chinese menu, but also (perhaps even mainly) for the drinks menu consisting of charmers like the Wondrous Punch, Zombie, and other tippling giants, which come in fishbowl-sized glasses. With four shots of rum including 151 balanced against one measly splash of juice and grenadine, the Wondrous Punch will get you cra-zay—which sure beats January cabin fever.
Ingredients: Bacardi Gold, White, and 151, Myers rum, orange and pineapple juice.