Oh, sweet bear bile: A.V. Club's guide to aphrodisiacs

Of all the holidays invented by greeting card companies, Valentine’s Day is possessed by the most altruistic of goals: Getting you some. (Well, that and saving florists from economic Armageddon.) In that spirit, February 14 is the perfect time to educate yourself about the wonderful world of aphrodisiacs—specifically those whose promises of “natural enhancement” aren’t accompanied by guarantees of “discreet packaging for your privacy.” In other words, forget the Spanish fly; this is the real culinary deal.

“Scientifically” speaking, it’s unclear whether the aphrodisiacal nature of certain foods and herbs exists purely on a chemical level, or whether it’s merely some combination of suggestive shape and placebo effect working its magic. Nevertheless, there are bajillions of people on the Internet who swear that something gets them hot and bothered—and who would possibly lie on the Internet? Assuming you haven’t made a fancy dinner reservation for Sunday (because, c’mon; you totally haven’t), here’s a guide to some aphrodisiacs both common and exotic, some of which—when properly applied—might be enough to do the deed.

Oysters
Probably the most notorious of aphrodisiacs, the oyster is praised for its alleged physiological effects: Some researchers believe the high concentration of hormone-triggering amino acids and testosterone-inducing zinc is what gets the heart pumping. Others think that it’s the soft, moist texture—and thus its similarity to lady parts—that encourages dirty thoughts. It should be noted that these “vaginas of the sea” are, of course, most potent when served (ahem) raw.

Asparagus
In addition to its usefulness as a diuretic and “making your pee smell funny” slumber party trick, asparagus is such a fabled aphrodisiac that it was once featured in every single course of 19th-century prenuptial feasts in France. Oddly enough, pumpkin seeds make the same claims—but then, asparagus also has its phallic shape going for it.

Figs, leaves, and trees
Alleged to be the favorite food of Cleopatra, figs were associated with fertility and love by the ancient Greeks, and traditional copulation rituals followed each fig harvest. It’s probably no coincidence the Bible has Adam and Eve wearing them on their genitals. Speaking of ancients, the Romans used to put their male horses on a diet of basil leaves during mating season; similar effects on humans aren’t confirmed. For something closer to home, you could also try an avocado, the Aztec word for which, “Ahuacuatl,” literally translates as “testicle tree.”

Mushrooms
The Journal Of Medicinal Mushrooms has confirmed reports of a mysterious Polynesian orgasm-scented mushroom, a variety of Dictyphora indusiata (whose genus is Phallus, so you know it has to be true). The aroma of these mushrooms—which biologically exists to attract flies—allegedly causes orgasms in some women. Oddly, men find the smell disgusting, lending some credence to the movie Love Potion No. 9, which will probably be airing on Starz for those of you home alone.

Bear bile
For the mildly psychotic, try tracking down the bile from the gallbladder of an Asian bear. It’s unclear what the hell you do with it exactly, but apparently it’s really hot. Just make sure your partner won't rat you out to PETA.