Pigging out so the terrorists don’t win

Since manifest destiny, the quest to claim and consume as much as humanly possible has become an intrinsically (North) American tradition. Aside from a pesky handful of recent military occupations and our ill-advised addiction to oil, this behavior usually rears its head at Fourth of July barbecues—which themselves can become battlefields as guests strive to bust their guts in honor of our nation’s independence. To help America avoid another nationwide stomachache, Decider turned to All-Pro Eating Chairman Arnie “ChowHound” Chapman (the current world-record holder in pickles) and Vice President David “Coondog” O’Karma (the national corn-on-the-cob-eating champion) for advice on the right way to eat as much as possible at barbecues.

Hamburgers

David “Coondog” O’Karma: A rookie mistake would be that a person doesn’t utilize sufficient amounts of liquid. It’s a little tricky because if you drink too much water, you’re going to max out, but if you don’t drink enough, you’re not going to get it down. Either end of those spectrums.

Arnie “ChowHound” Chapman: You don’t want to go to a barbecue and be accused of eating only one hamburger. So though it’s not really a contest, there is a certain reputation one has to maintain or create. Even though it’s not a speed contest, make sure you don’t load up too much on water. Hopefully, at the end of the day, you’ll get credit for being a great eater. I’m always paying attention to people eating. I’m always looking for new talent.

DO: It’s no fun overeating and getting sick. Believe me. From someone who’s eaten 6 or 7 pounds of food in one sitting, there’s no joy in any food when you overeat. I don’t care how much you love it. After the 60th or 70th chicken wing, they begin to taste like crayons.

If you love what you’re eating, respect what you’re eating. Respect your stomach. Don’t overdo it. If you’re at a barbecue picnic, and people are looking at you funny because you’re eating 80 hamburgers, then maybe it’s time to stop. [Laughs.] Or slow down a little bit. You want to save some for everybody else, too.

AC: I think they’re just jealous.

Decider: So there’s such a thing as being too good a guest?

DO: [Laughs.] Too good of a guest. Right.

AC: No, no. I think they’re just jealous because the women are looking at you. [Laughs.] Dave and I will differ on that, but they’re looking at you out of envy, really.

D: What sort of women go after men for their eating ability?

AC: Well, an individual’s hunger can be linked to a lot of different things: their zest, their enthusiasm, their sense of exploration. All those things translate into being a super male or female. Either way.

Hot dogs

AC: Listen to your body. I know that sounds contrived, but some days it’s almost amazing how much you can put down. Some days you can eat a regular meal, and you’re stuffed to the gills. Eating a lot of food in one day is not going to be terrible for you; it really is how you eat over the course of the year or several months.

DO: Eat five or six hot dogs; go play some horseshoes. Work up an appetite. Eat six or seven hamburgers. Rip a couple. Get hungry again, go back, and hit the grill.

AC: The economy hasn’t gotten so bad yet that eating a bunch of food has become a problem. Maybe in some parts of America. This is a very American thing. Its roots probably go back to even before America. It’s the one time of the year when you should not feel ashamed, embarrassed, whatever. You should put down the hammer and eat as much as your feel like eatin’. What the hell, you know?

Barbecue chicken

AC: Well, the big, classic mistake would be looking at a delicious piece of barbecue chicken, thinking you can put down four or five pieces, and then you only end up eating three. Then you end up picking at the other two and you waste food. Take what you know you can deal with, and then come back for more.

Corn on the cob

DO: You have to have an extremely tough jaw to eat corn on the cob, especially when you’re talking about eating a lot of it. After two minutes, it really does hurt your jaw. When your jaw starts to hurt, it’s time to put down the cob. It’s a real strategic kind of eating; you have to be a really good athlete to eat corn on the cob.

AC: Corn is not a lazy man’s food. Other parts of your body will tell you [when to quit] before your stomach, and that usually happens the other way around.

Apple pie

DO: Here’s why you don’t want to really overeat: You want to save some room for some pie. You know what? That’s one of the best reasons out there.

AC: You can be driving home, a grown man, crying because you couldn’t have your apple pie. You really can’t blame anybody but yourself.

DO: And ice cream, Arnie, ice cream. I want to get as much flavor out of the day as I can—that’s my goal. That’s my approach to everything. Take small portions of everything and then you end up with a lot.

AC: You don’t want to be waking up on July 5th thinking, “My God, I could’ve had pie!”

D: Would it really taste any different?

AC: It wouldn’t be part of that whole comprehensive, singular experience of a barbecue.

D: When should you call it quits with apple pie?

AC: When the neighbors call the police.

DO: At the end of the evening, walk it off. Go sit down on a blanket, just sit there and enjoy those fireworks.