Jock Itch Purple Peyton Manning? 

It’s Super Bowl weekend in the fair city of Indianapolis, and everyone in town is focused on one member of the legendary Manning clan. No, it’s not Giants QB Elisha “Eli” Manning—named after the biblical prophet who summoned two she-bears to maul 42 children for making fun of his baldness—but rather Peyton Manning, Indiana’s darling adopted son and arguably one of the best players in the history of professional football.

Peyton’s been at the center of media speculation since undergoing his third neck surgery this past September. In the beginning, the question was how soon Peyton would be back in blue. But as the season progressed, the Colts found themselves at the back of the pack, finishing with an atrocious 2-14 record that ultimately netted the first overall pick in the 2012 draft. And who is the prized pig of April? None other than stud Stanford QB Andrew Luck.

The Colts would be crazy to not take Luck, so what becomes of Manning? Smart money says a competitor of his caliber will not be content to sit on the sidelines. That means Peyton will be looking for a move. And where do great QBs go at the tail end of their careers? That’s right: Minnesota. The Vikings have a storied tradition of signing grizzled veterans; Peyton Manning would form yet another link in this historic chain. Just look at all of the twilight quarterbacks who have donned the purple and gold in the past few decades:

Donovan McNabb (2011): The former second-overall draft pick was a six-time Pro Bowl selection with the Philadelphia Eagles. After a short stint with the Redskins, McNabb came to Minnesota where he played just six games before being replaced by rookie Christian Ponder. McNabb now plays in a St. Louis Park rec basketball league. Seriously.

Brett Favre (2009-10): To the chagrin of whiny Packer fans and the glee of Vikings supporters, Brett Lorenzo Favre came to Minnesota in 2009. Favre and company put together a shocking 12-4 season, and sales of Wrangler jeans presumably went through the roof. But then the purple princes lost the NFC Championship game in classic Vikings fashion (an OT field goal), and the mighty Mississippi overflowed with the tears of Minnesotans statewide.

2010 was not so fruitful, and Favre’s mangled frame finally gave out after 297 consecutive starts. The Vikings went 6-10, missed the playoffs, and said bon voyage to the agin’ Cajun. The season’s one high note was the firing of Brad Childress.

Gus Frerotte (2003-04, 2008): I said “great” quarterbacks. Get out of here, Gus. Go headbutt a wall.

Brad Johnson (1992-98, 2005-06): Brad Johnson may not go down as one of the greats either, but he did win a Super Bowl, and he’s the only QB to ever throw a touchdown pass to himself (Bugs Bunny style). That’s got to count for something.

Johnson began his career with the Vikings, playing average enough until he was relieved of his duties by Randall Cunningham in the glorious 1998 season. Johnson returned to Minnesota in 2005, managing a 7-2 record as the starter. In 2006, Johnson threw nine TDs and 15 INTs and lost his starting spot to Tarvaris Jackson. You know you’re playing poorly when T-Jack replaces you.

Randall Cunningham (1997-99): After briefly retiring following the 1995 season, the once-dynamic Cunningham made his way north. His first season with the Vikes ended in the divisional round of the playoffs, but his second season would go down as one of the greatest in league history. The Vikings went 15-1 in the 1998 season, setting the record for most offensive points in a season. They would ultimately lose in the NFC Championship after Gary Anderson, who hadn’t missed a field goal the entire year, made love to the proverbial dog. The Falcons won in OT, denying the Vikings yet another shot at a ring.

Warren Moon (1994-96): Moon at one time held records for most passing yards, most pass attempts, most pass completions, and most touchdowns, landing him a spot in the Hall Of Fame. The nine-time Pro Bowl selection was traded to Minnesota after nearly a decade with the Houston Oilers. He threw for more than 4,200 passing yards in his first two seasons with the Vikings, but broke his collarbone and was later released in favor of Brad Johnson. 

Jim McMahon (1993): Known for throwing his body “all over the field,” the “punky QB known as McMahon” won a Super Bowl with the fabled 1985 Chicago Bears. McMahon joined the Vikings in 1993, managing a wild-card appearance that ended in a loss to the Giants. No word yet on a full-length rap album.

History is bound to repeat itself with Peyton Manning. It just makes sense. The Vikings are known for pulling this shit, and really, it’s a smart move. This man, nay, demigod is an 11-time Pro Bowler, a four-time NFL MVP, a Super Bowl champion, and a Saturday Night Live host. He will not go gently into that good night. He will rage, rage to the NFC Championship, where he and the Vikings will lose in overtime. Or could Manning be the prophesied pigskin messiah that leads Minnesota to its first Super Bowl victory?