Summer festival cheat sheet: August '09

Like death and taxes, the summer festival season is one of those inevitable forces that humans would do well to calmly accept and embrace. Unlike death, most of the Twin Cities' annual outdoor celebrations don't require your heart to stop beating (give or take an artery-clogging cheese curd binge). Unlike taxes, you can't pay someone else to do the tedious fest-going parts for you. (Does parking count?) In any case, here's a handy roundup of August's most notable orgies of food, music, crafts, and naked humanity. (June and July editions are available for your flashback pleasure.)

Irish Fair Of Minnesota (Aug. 7-9)
It's called that because: With so many proudly Irish-blooded peeps (and shamrock-wearing pretenders) in these parts, how could they not throw down at least once a year?
For fans of: the Emerald Isle; pipe bands; soda bread (there's a contest); drinking outdoors; sheep dogs.
Apt souvenir: a Dropkick Murphys T-shirt; blistered hands from the Tug Of War Pub Challenge; someting/anything with Gaelic script on it.
Beer-to-enjoyment ratio: 1:3. You don't have to be drunk to smile here, but it helps.

Powderhorn Art Fair (Aug. 8-9)
It's called that because: It's an art fair. In Powderhorn Park.
For fans of: art that's much less expensive than its cousins at Loring and Uptown art fairs, all happening the same weekend; hippies; anarchists; pottery; dangly earrings; mini donuts.
Apt souvenir: any number of ceramic lawn adornments; accessories made from recycled goods; pride in telling your friends you only spent $40 compared with the $400 they dropped at the Uptown Art Fair.
Beer-to-enjoyment ratio: 0:3. There's no beer garden here, but there is tremendously good people-watching to go along with the crafts.

Square Lake Festival (Aug. 15)
It's called that because: This small but burgeoning film-and-music festival is located near Square Lake Park in Stillwater. Mind you, there's nothing the least bit square about its mix of provocative bands, experimental films and animation, live movie scores, and progressive vibes.
For fans of: bands including The Bad Plus, Roma Di Luna, and Zebulon Pike; oddball films that represent the polar opposite of summer blockbusters.
Apt souvenir: bragging rights (only 400 tickets will be sold); mosquito bites; restored faith in American counterculture.
Beer-to-enjoyment ratio: 1:5. Intimate and enlightened as this event is, you don't want to be the guy who empties his hip flask too fast and starts hollering for "Free Bird."

Minnesota Renaissance Festival (Aug. 22-Oct. 4)
It's called that because: The cultural and technological hallmarks of the 15th century are well worth celebrating. Also, it's a rare place where you can use words like "wench" and "forsooth" and not come off like a complete ass.
For fans of: stretchy, busty, billowy, and/or leathery period garb; mock jousts; bad British accents.
Apt souvenir: a blown-glass dragon that'll never look quite right in your 1950s rambler; a wooden sword and shield that may or may not land your kid in the emergency room by summer's end.
Beer-to-enjoyment ratio: 2:3. The sooner you get your buzz on, the quicker you'll actually appreciate the gratuitous role-playing, unkempt jugglers, and warmed-over-J.R.R. Tolkien pageantry.

Minnesota State Fair (Aug. 27-Sep. 7)
It's called that because: It really does feel like the entire state shows up—all at once—for this annual rite of meandering gluttony and Midwestern homage.
For fans of: newborn piglets; faces carved in butter; future angioplasty; competitive baking and gardening; Ye Olde Mill; Kid Rock, ribald T-shirt slogans.
Apt souvenir: yard sticks; batter-fried anything; a paper crown from the hog barn; sunburn; countless branded tote bags.
Beer-to-enjoyment ratio: 1:7. The State Fair's sprawling sensory overload is best met with temperance. Besides, the more you drink, the more likely you are to be fleeced by a midway carny or shut down by that hottie from Farmington.