Summer festival cheat sheet: June '09

Like death and taxes, the summer festival season is one of those inevitable forces that humans would do well to calmly accept and embrace. Unlike death, most of the Twin Cities' annual outdoor celebrations don't require your heart to stop beating (give or take an artery-clogging cheese curd binge). Unlike taxes, you can't pay someone else to do the tedious fest-going parts for you. (Does parking count?) In any case, here's a handy roundup of June's most notable orgies of food, music, crafts, and naked humanity. (July and August editions will follow.)

Grand Old Day (June 7)
It’s called that because: It’s on St. Paul’s Grand Avenue, a historic east-west thoroughfare that’s been gradually become more upscale over the last couple of decades by way of Pottery Barn, Café Latte, and other proudly bourgeois storefronts. It's also old (36 years running), and it takes place on a single day.
For fans of: all-day public street closures, low-key parade action, and folksy St. Paul flavor.
Apt souvenir: an extra half-inch around your waistline, thanks to repeat stops at Grand Ole Creamery, Bread And Chocolate, and the Italian Pie Shoppe.
Beer-to-enjoyment ratio: 1:4. The generally family friendly affair isn’t much of a guzzlefest, though it might take an extra Summit or two to actually enjoy the stale sounds of G.B. Leighton and Tim Mahoney.

Stone Arch Festival Of The Arts (June 20-21)
It’s called that because: This annual art and performance festival takes place at the lips of the Stone Arch Bridge, Minneapolis’ 126-year-old pedestrian and cyclist bridge. Also, it’s Father’s Day weekend, and you know how dads feel about trusses, granite, and limestone.
For fans of: a “hipper” renaissance festival that includes local music, pottery, rivers, bridges, mini donuts, and green tea.
Apt souvenir: a sculpture or pendant made from found objects.
Beer-to-enjoyment ratio: 0:5. This family and art-focused event trades in the booze for the berries: Raspberry, peach, pomegranate, and mango iced teas flow like the Mississippi River.

Pride Festival (June 27-28)
It’s called that because: This annual celebration of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender culture is all about living loud and proud. It promotes diversity and challenges discrimination—with huge floats.
For fans of: equality, bare chests, rainbows, bare chests, big sunglasses, bare chests, foot-long corn dogs, and bare chests.
Apt souvenir: sunburned pecs, boy toys, and anti-Prop 8 stickers.
Beer-to-enjoyment ratio: 2:5. A cool tall boy (that's a beer, people) makes a lovely, inhibition-squashing accompaniment to the parade and festivities.