The A.V. Club guide to Valentine's Day events

Valentine's Day means different things to different people. For some, it's a magical, unforgettable evening of candlelight, expensive chocolates, and little black velvet jewelry boxes. For others, it's Sunday. No plans yet? The A.V. Club has come up with this simple guide to help you and your significant other find the perfect Valentine's Day weekend activity to honor your shared love (or lack thereof).

A retro, classy affair: John Pizzarelli With The Minnesota Orchestra: A Valentine's Day Celebration, Orchestra Hall, Feb. 13
Jazz singer and guitarist Pizzarelli is known for covering standards by iconic bandleaders like Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole, so unless you're meeting a Cary Grant look-alike atop Foshay Tower, this is about as Hollywood romantic as it gets.
Dinner: Meander down Nicollet to Vincent A (1100 Nicollet Mall, 612-630-1189) for its special V-Day tasting menu, complete with wine pairings. Have a few laughs, cut to close-up, and fade into the next morning.

Romantic comedy without the annoying plot: Lucy Michelle And The Velvet Lapelles + Big Trouble, Cedar Cultural Center, Feb. 13
Local musicians promise the most delightful array of songs from the most painful of genres. Given that Big Trouble covers what it wants, how it wants, and Lucy Michelle is an old-timey yet danceable string band, their respective interpretations of romantic-comedy soundtrack classics (think Otis Redding and The Faces) should be more satisfying than the inevitable kiss before the credits.
Dinner: John Hughes' lovelorn teenagers are sure to be represented at the show, so why not eat like one beforehand? The Wienery (414 Cedar Ave. S, 612-333-5798) offers hot dogs for every palate (even vegans) at after-school-job prices.

Sexy time: Juanito Pascual, Cedar Cultural Center, Feb. 14
Your Sunday night hasn't involved this much passion since the Vikings lost in the playoffs. The master flamenco guitarist teams up with dancer, singer, and choreographer La Conja to melt your iced veins, whether due to the winter weather or a seriously boring lovemaking ritual.
Dinner: It's not exactly in the neighborhood, but nothing pairs better with flamenco than the tapas at Solera (900 Hennepin Ave., 612-338-0062).

Double-header for breeders: From Here To Maternity and Erotic Valentines: A Shadow Show, Bryant-Lake Bowl, Feb. 13-14
Joshua Scrimshaw's From Here To Maternity offers songs, stand-up, and sketches mocking the stuff that goes on in the bedroom of expecting couples. If you're not too exhausted from all the soiled diapers and late-night feedings, stick around for whispered stories of lust and obsession, presented by shadow puppets.
Dinner: With its eclectic menu and fully stocked bar, the Bryant-Lake Bowl (810 W Lake St., 612-825-3737) is the perfect one-stop date spot for couples limited by their babysitter's curfew.

Oh, it's Valentine's Day?: Battle Of The Jug Bands, Cabooze, Feb. 14
For reigning champions The Como Avenue Jug Band, love takes a backseat to fierce jug-blowing, banjo-picking, washboard-scratching competition. This all-day event, now in its 28th year, is the casual ideal for that tricky time when an early-in-the-relationship date just happens to fall on Valentine's Day.
Dinner: This shindig features an ongoing potluck; so impress your date by bringing your favorite hot dish.

Love stinks: Puddle Of Mudd, First Avenue, Feb. 14
Nothing says, "Damn the man and his greeting card company crap!" like being groaned at by a band best known for a song called "She Hates Me."
Dinner: Hooters (600 Hennepin Ave, 612-436-3005) is conveniently located one block away.