Back to School The lazy student’s list of paper topics

Homework is inevitable; the research paper inescapable. They are as much a part of the college experience as ramen noodle breakfasts and binge-drinking hard cider. But while homework usually only counts for a fraction of the total grade, the semester-end research paper can mean the difference between a sparkling GPA and one that is a dull sheen. Now, a well-informed thesis can take weeks—weeks!—to research and develop. But who really has the motivation for that? Not you, dear C-average student; you are much too shrewd to waste your time huddled over textbooks and academic journals. You are a lazy student of life. For your non-efforts, we offer this list of almost-legitimate paper topics to just barely skate by with.

Modern Storytellers and the Deviation of Oral Traditions
The thesis: What is stand-up comedy if not the devolution of oral tradition? At least that’s what you’ll make a case for. You can cite comics like Mike Birbiglia and Margaret Cho. Both have made their careers on solo stage shows and rambling, personal narratives. You can even apply basic joke format to your paper: Open with a quote, end with a punchline.
Do your research: Acme Comedy Club, Brave New Workshop, and Huge Improv Theater are good places to start. Also, there plenty of open mic comedy nights to choose from and special events at larger theaters like the Orpheum or the Fitzgerald Theater.

The Economics of Alternative Health
The thesis: The U.S. financial system may be in total meltdown mode right now, but does your econ professor really need another paper on national debt? Consider this: The medical marijuana industry—currently legal in 16 states, including ours—brings in millions in local tax revenue, not to mention all the money being made on things like storefront rentals and vacuum sealers. Plus, this is probably the only time you’ll be able to use pseudo-intellectual phrases like, “the economy of the ounce.”
Do your research: Medical marijuana is not legal in Minnesota, so you can't just drive to the dispensary, blaze up, and fix the economy. Until then, seek out other alternative health options and similar new-age activities. Try yoga for your anxiety at one of the seemingly hundreds of yoga studios around town, or check out your friendly neighborhood herbalists like Magus Books And Herbs in Dinkytown.

Biochemical Reactions: Malt From Barley
The thesis: Beer (specifically, the consumption of it) may be the reason you were late to morning chem, but it could also be the one topic that keeps your grades afloat. Brewing is a science, after all—an intricate fermentation process that involves the reproduction of cells, the formation of ethanol, and some other stuff about molecules or something.
Do your research: Chuck a beer pong ball in any direction in Minnesota and you’ll land it in a brewery. Almost every one of them offers a brewery tour, and at least one of them, Summit Brewery, offers several free, not-so-tiny samples at the end of the tour. And now that it's legal for the mighty Surly Brewing company to build a planned $20 million brewery and restaurant, well, the science of beer in the Twin Cities in only going to get more interesting.

A Dissection of Youth Subcultures
The thesis: Don’t trust anyone over 30, right? You’re at an age right now where the only people of any interest to you is, well, other people your age. And, at some point soon, you will be tempted to write a premature memoir about your 20something partying. Truth is, no one over the age of 30 cares—so you might as well make use of your self-involved worldview now.
Do your research: “Youth subculture” is a just a sociological term for “young people with common interests hanging out with each other,” which is probably what you’re already doing. Next time—whether you’re in Northeast on the weekend or at a house party with a band playing in the basement—just take notes. College is easy, no?