Jock Itch The Twins suck: Here are better ways Hennepin County residents could have spent the stadium tax

With a ghastly record of 16-32, The Twins remain the worst team in baseball. Volumes are being written on how a team that went 94-68 a season ago could nosedive so brutally, but that narrative is depressing. Season’s over; team sucks; everyone’s jobs are somewhat inexplicably safe. You know what’s less of a drag? Buying stuff! Also, fantasy scenarios! Hennepin County residents split the bill for $350 million of Target Field’s costs via a .15 percent sales tax enacted in 2007, resulting in about $1.8 million collected per month. Since the Twins are worthless in 2011, let’s explore some neater ways we could have squandered that cash. 

Observe the dicey, fantastical math. Hennepin County has around 1.2 million residents. At roughly $1.8 million collected in Target Field taxes every month, that’s about a buck fifty per person; so we’re looking at a cool $18 for every man, woman, and child this year. Yes, the money is arrived at disproportionately, so forgive this collectivist methodology—we’ve got shopping to do.

Here’s a tally of some of the more choice ways you could have spent your $18 Twins Tax in 2011:

St. Paul Saints game: $6-$20
The Saints were prophetic with their 2011 motto: “We Won’t Break Your Heart.” The low-stakes, high-fun precedent set by the independent pro team serves as a welcome departure from our $113 million hacks. Upcoming June promotions include an “’O’de to Oprah” fireworks night, a jersey-backpack giveaway, and even the “Gallagher’s 4D Game” complete with watermelon smashing. Nevermind the fact Justin Bieboar [sic] & Co. want a new stadium too …

Eat like you’re at the stadium: $5
The Weinery, located on the University Of Minnesota’s West Bank, is the spot for hot dogs in the Twin Cities. The place is no-frills, cash only, and crazy delicious. That douche from the Food Network even visited!

Spring for The Upsetter, a decadent artery-devastator with bacon, egg, and cheese topping the dog.

Drink like you’re at the stadium: Less than the $7.50 demanded at Target Field
Vita.mn compiled a handy guide to the prime drinking destinations around Target Field. It was initially intended for pre- and post-game use, but save the ticket expense and just lose yourself in cheaper booze and HD flat screens at the bars.

Hit-up a batting cage: $1.70-$3.95
’Member Grand Slam? That place ruled! It still exists and boasts batting cages, a “Pirates Of The Mississippi”-themed mini golf course, go-carts, and laser tag. As an added plus, you’re probably way stronger than your last visit; put on an effin’ show in the cages for replicas of the smartass kids who used to rag on you.

Go to the track … TONIGHT: Free
Every Minnesota sports team is devastatingly awful, but a horse will never let you down—and it might even make you rich. Canterbury Park is having a College ID Night, a promotion that yields free admission, a program, and a Pepsi. If pop’s not your thing, there’s also a stellar Friday happy hour. Beer ranges from $2.50-$3.50, margaritas are $4, and there’s half-priced pizza and pasta.

Eat some pie: $3.95 (Stockholm’s per-slice price)
Everyone knows that pie lands directly after baseball in the realm of Americana, so why not try some? City Pages claims that Stockholm Pie Company, which is located about 1.5 hours away in Stockholm, Wisconsin, is the best place around. Closer options with celebrated pies include Turtle Bread, Sarah Jane’s Bakery, and Butter.