Local Newswire Today’s sign of the Apocalypse: White Castle considers selling alcohol 

NASA has roundly rejected the idea of a doomsday scenario in 2012, but the representatives there are just a bunch of “physicists” with “evidence” and “science” to support their “theories.” And we layfolk know something is coming, whether it be Nibiru, worldwide economic collapse, or some deadly virus engineered by Steven Soderbergh. We can feel it in the air, and we hear it every night on the news. And today, as if our anxieties needed any extra strain, it has come to light that White Castle, America’s oldest purveyor of delicious/awful processed grease-patties, is testing the waters of beer and wine sales at one of its restaurants in Lafayette, Indiana. The Ohio-based bringer of doom is also experimenting with combo-style restaurants that pair a White Castle with a barbecue joint, an Asian place, or a panini palace, which means customers at those locations will now have the option of having their projectile diarrhea smell like White Castle, barbecue, Asian food, or panini. Such a dramatic and aggressive hybridization of eateries has not been seen since the great Arby’s/Sbarro disaster a few years back, which had locations right here in Minnesota.

As we’re sure you’ll agree, this confluence of terrifying news—especially the sale of alcoholic beverages at a restaurant where the average patron arrives drunk—will undeniably open the Seventh Seal, and those four horses are just champing at the bit, waiting to blanket our fat, inebriated asses in the Lord’s terrible Judgment.