We don't negotiate with tourists: The A.V. Club's guide to the guides to the Twin Cities

Summertime means many things to many people, but to increasingly cash-strapped cities it means it's time for the annual influx of those sweet, sweet tourist dollars. In an effort to show off the visitor-friendly side of the Twin Cities, countless publications and media personalities have offered their takes on what makes these towns so great. Yet, while perusing these well-intentioned manuals and unknowingly outdated itineraries, The A.V. Club couldn't help but notice the omission of a few important details. Ever the eager tour guide, allow us to explain:

Downtown
Fodor’s says: Out-of-towners with only one day to spare should spend it in the business district. “Even with a brief visit, you can still fall in love with the Twin Cities by focusing on downtown Minneapolis.”
But they forgot to mention: Downtown has only become a place anyone would want to hang out in the last few years. The new stadium, the light-rail line, and restaurants like Bar La Grassa (800 N. Washington Ave., 612-333-3837), Saffron (123 Third St. N., 612-746-5533), and Sea Change (806 S. Second St., 612-225-6499) have increased the area’s coolness factor tenfold. Just keep in mind that it’s a work in progress.
The A.V. Club recommends: Catching a game at Target Field (1 Twins Way, 612- 659-3400) or a show at First Avenue (701 N. First Ave., 612-338-8388) is sure to put you in a Minneapolis state of mind, but try to get out of the downtown area at some point. Grab a Nice Ride bike and pedal up Third Avenue to the Minneapolis Institute of Arts (2400 Third Ave. S., 612-870-6323).

Shopping
Frommer’s: Nicollet Mall gets a nod for its department stores and City Center, as do the “funky galleries and boutique stores” in Uptown, the “distinctive shops” at 50th and France, and St. Paul’s Grand Avenue, where retail stores “are housed in former residences, and 95 percent remain independently owned.”
But they forgot to mention: The Mall of America. And, Frommer’s, we love you for that. On the other hand, City Center? Was this written in the mid-'90s? Like The Hold Steady said, “Now City Center’s over / No one really goes there.” Unless they need something from Office Depot.
The A.V. Club recommends: Continue Grand Avenue’s independent attitude with a trip to Northeast where shops like Who Made Who (158 13th Ave. NE, 612-555-1212) and I Like You (501 First Ave. NE, 612-208-0249) sell locally made items that can serve as true souvenirs from the neighborhood.

The Mall of America
Yelp says: “First off, it's easy to get to from both the farms and the city. ... Secondly, I got the impression from this place that it can be/is the mecca of all that is pastime in the Minneapolis area. ... Third, it is possible to enjoy the mall without being bombarded by all the "kitschy" stuff going on in the middle (theme park rides) and basement (aquarium).”
But they forgot to mention: That most people on Yelp are either idiots or assholes and you shouldn’t listen to them.
The A.V. Club recommends: Skipping the mall. You know what the difference is between the Mall of America and your hometown shopping center? The MOA has two American Eagles instead of one. If you have to see it for yourself, go during the week and be sure to check out Underwater Adventures. There’s nothing “kitschy” about taking a break to stare at sharks and jellyfish for an hour.

Dining
Rachael Ray’s Tasty Travels says: “First, Rachael explores the sibling rivalry between St. Paul and Minneapolis, and ends up polka dancing at Nye’s Polonaise Room. Then, she explores the international side of the Twin Cities at Chino Latino, a blend of Caribbean, Latin American, and Pan-Asian cuisine.”
But they forgot to mention: That Rachael Ray is apparently a college student. Or exists in a nonstop bachelorette party. We enjoy a potato-laden Polish Sampler at Nye’s (112 E. Hennepin Ave., 612-379-2021) every once in a while, but Chino Latino (2916 Hennepin Ave. 612-824-7878) is all flash and no charm.
The A.V. Club recommends: For an Uptown meal in a more relaxed atmosphere, try Lucia’s Wine Bar (1432 W. 31st St., 612-825-1572). What the menu lacks in gimmicks, it makes up for with locally sourced dishes that you’d actually be inclined to order again. Duplex (2516 Hennepin Ave., 612-381-0700) is another great option, with reasonably priced crowd-pleasers like poutine and house-made pasta. And unlike Chino Latino’s, neither restaurant expects you to lower yourself to order something called the Cuban Pork Loin Crisis.

Things to do
TripAdvisor says: The Foshay Tower is a must-see. The site deems it the No. 4 attraction in Minneapolis.
But they forgot to mention: Lovers of skyscrapers and observation decks should set their expectations accordingly: The Foshay is only 447 feet tall (607 with an antennae). Still, it’s the only observation deck in the Twin Cities that’s open to the public.
The A.V. Club recommends: Seeing it anyway. The Art Deco design lends the interior a glitzy sophistication (those elevators!), and you can learn more about the city’s first skyscraper at the mini-museum on its top floor. If even the Foshay’s modest height triggers your acrophobia, retreat to Prohibition, a sleek bar on the 27th floor that was once a boardroom used by entrepreneur (and pyramid-scheme swindler) Wilbur Foshay.

The New York Times says: It wouldn’t be a trip to Minnesota without spending some time on the water. Several lakes, as well as the lovely Minnehaha Falls, made the newspaper’s cut.
But they forgot to mention: That the Twin Cities are also right on top of the Mississippi River, a water feature that's strangely overlooked by many guides books.
The A.V. Club recommends: Take a riverboat cruise, or fully embrace your tourist-ness and sign up for one of those goofy-looking Segway tours that cross the Stone Arch Bridge. When you reach the south side, check out the Mill City Museum (704 S. Second St., 612-341-7555) to find out why people settled here in the first place.