News Net What the frac, Newsweek is too vulgar for Bemidji 

Since sifting through dull newspapers, hyperbolic blogs, and overflowing RSS feeds for meaningful news can be an arduous process, News Net catches and compiles both the amusing and the significant reports that were overlooked over the weekend. Here are some things to think about as the workweek begins.

• For Pete’s sake, why can’t you just be decent, Newsweek? We’re sick of the curses used within quotations, and some of your recent subject matter is downright skanky. And while we’re at it, what’s with your partnership with this Daily Beast thing? We don’t know what that is, but it scares us. It has the word “beast” in it, and that sounds like something that good moral folks like us wouldn’t tend to get behind, unless it involves being charmed by some kind of beauty. Keep your beasts away from us! We’re only into your publication for the in-depth, moral news features, like cooking Thanksgiving dinner for Lady Gaga. [NYT]

• Rep. Chip Cravaack, a dude so manly he is almost all chin, is going to be up against some big outstate bucks this election season, says MPR. Cravaack, a former pilot and perennial babe, challenged longtime democratic U.S. congressman Jim Oberstar two years ago, ending the 36-year-long reign of the liberal stalwart when the people of the district decided to ride that hot Tea Party train straight into Nimrod, Minnesota, an actual place in the 8th District. But now, with the help of some super PACs and other outside sources, there’s a target, rather than a chip, on Cravaack’s back.

• Hey, look, everyone! North Dakota is still being embarrassing. Even though the University Of North Dakota decided against using The Fighting Sioux nickname because it’s racist and pretty well out of date, there are still about 17,000 people—so far—passionate enough about the name to sign a petition saying, “Hey, this ain’t racist ’til we say it is, and it sure ain’t, nosiree, boy.” To quote one man who signed the petition ... before attending a Disney On Ice performance, “I guess I feel it’s never been a race issue. I always thought it was more about pride than anything else.” Yeah, so there, offended people and the NCAA, and anyone with common sense or courtesy, and perhaps a regard for how other people feel. Go eat shit.

• Whitney Houston’s former drummer and music director is from Duluth! 

• Uh oh, The New York Times went to Lindstrom, Minnesota, a place more Swedish than Sweden itself, and found that even the people very critical of safety nets for the poor are themselves poor and quite dependent on said safety nets. Talk about confusing! Silly Swedes. Nothing a little Lingonberry sauce can’t fix. The stuff has the restorative powers of Windex, a veritable Panacea. 

• A study has found that alcohol use among high school students in Minnesota and North Dakota has dropped dramatically, but we tend to think it’s actually just the case that high school students have figured out they can hide beer cans under their bed and replace the vodka they took from mom and dad with tap water. 

• And finally, what the frac is up with this?