“Keep your friends close and your enemies—wait, they’re the same thing here.” (Photo: MANDEL NGAN/AFP/Getty Images)

We’ve unfurled ourselves from the fetal position we’ve been in since Trump revived his threats of nuclear war on Twitter yesterday to bring you the news that the belligerent old kumquat has released an official statement in which he claims it’s actually Steve Bannon who’s lost his damn mind.

You’ll want to briefly halt construction on your bunker to read the statement, which was issued by press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, in response to a new book from veteran journalist Michael Wolff, which includes some biting criticism of Trump’s campaign and family from former chief strategist and amateur dicksucker Steve Bannon. Here’s the full statement via Deadline, which you are welcome to print out (assuming you haven’t gone completely off the grid yet) and edit for inaccuracies, like Trump’s claim that Bannon, who many analysts credit with strengthening the bloviating moron’s bid for the presidency with a little help from his white supremacist friends and readers, had nothing to do with his victory.

Steve Bannon has nothing to do with me or my Presidency. When he was fired, he not only lost his job, he lost his mind. Steve was a staffer who worked for me after I had already won the nomination by defeating seventeen candidates, often described as the most talented field ever assembled in the Republican party.

Now that he is on his own, Steve is learning that winning isn’t as easy as I make it look. Steve had very little to do with our historic victory, which was delivered by the forgotten men and women of this country. Yet Steve had everything to do with the loss of a Senate seat in Alabama held for more than thirty years by Republicans. Steve doesn’t represent my base—he’s only in it for himself.

Steve pretends to be at war with the media, which he calls the opposition party, yet he spent his time at the White House leaking false information to the media to make himself seem far more important than he was. It is the only thing he does well. Steve was rarely in a one-on-one meeting with me and only pretends to have had influence to fool a few people with no access and no clue, whom he helped write phony books.

We have many great Republican members of Congress and candidates who are very supportive of the Make America Great Again agenda. Like me, they love the United States of America and are helping to finally take our country back and build it up, rather than simply seeking to burn it all down.

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This latest outpouring of erroneous rambling comes after New York magazine published excerpts from Wolff’s upcoming book, Fire And Fury: Inside The Trump White House. Setting aside for a moment that the title is reminiscent of “Sturm und Drang,” the feature is chock full of what must be infuriating tidbits for Trump, like the quote from the Breitbart chairman’s that the fired Apprentice host was running a “broke-dick campaign” before he boarded the Trump train and fueled it with premium unleaded bigotry.

Bannon also reportedly considers his stewarding of Trump’s presidential run a kind of Henry Higgins-like makeover, with Trump acting as flower girl Eliza Doolittle: “...befuddled Trump morphing into a disbelieving Trump and then into a horrified Trump. But still to come was the final transformation: Suddenly, Donald Trump became a man who believed that he deserved to be, and was wholly capable of being, the president of the United States.”

But the most damning excerpts involve Bannon’s reported statements about the Trump family’s Russia connections; at one point, he mocks Trump Sr.’s attempts to bond with Putin. And, according to The Guardian, Bannon also called Donald Jr.’s meeting at Trump Tower with Russian ambassadors “treasonous.” Bannon also suggests that the Big Mac-loving Trump was personally in attendance at the time: “The chance that Don Jr did not walk these jumos up to his father’s office on the twenty-sixth floor is zero.” Read the New York and Guardian pieces, but try to temper your expectations that any of these bombshell revelations will limit that chaff-haired lunatic’s access to actual bombs.

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