“Thoughts and prayers” might be bullshit, but we’re getting desperate here. The stuff that would’ve taken any other president down—the infidelity and subsequent coverup, the sexual assault accusations, the blatant, relentless racism—have all been swept away in a news cycle that spawns new outrages on the daily. It’s easy to fixate on Robert Mueller, the special counsel investigating the Trump administration for collusion with Russia, and hope that he’ll somehow lead us to Trump-free salvation. Alternately, we can pray, daily, for the reveal of the fabled pee tape, a document that supposedly proves that Trump hired Russian sex workers to pee on a bed the Obamas had slept in, which is the sort of debasement just awful enough to sound real these days.
Luckily, Dan Sinker, the writer and podcaster behind the viral @MayorEmanuel Twitter account, is here to aid our spiritually arid souls: He just launched a Kickstarter for prayer candles depicting both Mueller and the pee tape that we can use to amplify our cries to the creator that much more.
In his words:
Since Trump was inaugurated a year ago, we’ve sued, we’ve protested, we’ve run for office, we’ve hit the polls, we’ve done everything possible to get him out of office. And yet, here we are a year later. So it’s time to appeal to a higher power with Pee Tape and Robert Mueller III Prayer Candles.
Let’s get thousands of prayers going in the hope that the rumored Trump pee tape, uh, leaks out.
Let’s have thousands of points of light of protection so that special counsel Robert Mueller III (Bobby Three Sticks to his friends) will continue to investigate the Trump campaign’s alleged connections to Russia.
Prayer may not be the answer but, hell, at this point it can’t hurt. Plus, they look nice.
Sinker says he’s working with “the leading manufacturer of prayer candles in the United States,” and that he’s sorry for making the pee tape candle yellow. No apology necessary, sir. Check out his full pitch below.
Sinker is seeking $24,000 in total, and emphasizes that 10% of all the profits will be donated to organizations seeking lawsuits against the Trump administration. A $22 donation gets you one candle, while $36 will score you both candles. Tell your friends, though, as the candles won’t come to fruition unless he reaches the full goal. He’s currently at nearly $3,000 with 24 days to go.
Should God choose only to grant us one of these outcomes, we’d obviously hope for a sturdy case from the Mueller camp. But maybe, just maybe, if we pray hard enough we’ll also get to see Trump’s White House doused in this most golden of showers.