Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Photo: Jason Todd/Getty Images
Photo: Jason Todd/Getty Images

The ritual donning of ugly Christmas sweaters once served as an ode to the festive wear of our parents, a way for adults to recapture the sweet, gaudy innocence of our childhood holidays. Over the last decade, however, they’ve become big business and, in a bizarre turn of events, co-opted by the beer-swilling bros of the bar-hopping cognoscenti. As such, the trends in ugly Christmas sweater have shifted toward the blue, with reindeer and snowmen drowning in puddles of booze, piss, and vomit.

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Like any big business, however, ugly Christmas sweaters have continued to evolve. And the latest styles seem to have adopted a bigger focus on the holiday itself, with Santa Claus himself as the star. He’s drinking milk, putting presents under the tree, and donning that classic red-and-white getup you saw in so many picture books as a child. The only difference is the focus on his giant, bulbous ass, which, as pointed out by a HuffPost roundup, is all over this year’s crop of new designs.

Photo: Fun.com
Photo: Fun.com
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Photo: Tipsy Elves
Photo: Tipsy Elves

If that’s not scarring enough, here’s a terrified, slack-limbed St. Nick getting his round ass probed by an alien.

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Photo: Fun.com
Photo: Fun.com

If all of this seems curiously sexual, that’s because, well, it is. Whoever’s making ugly Christmas sweaters just really wants to bang Santa.

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Photo: Ugly-Sweaters.com
Photo: Ugly-Sweaters.com

But while this obsession with Santa’s sex life is unnerving, it pales in comparison to the sweater below, which reimagines our sweet, generous giver of gifts as the guy who won’t leave you alone on Tinder.

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Photo: TipsyElves.com
Photo: TipsyElves.com

A crime, that.

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Randall Colburn is The A.V. Club's Internet Culture Editor. He lives in Chicago, occasionally writes plays, and was a talking head in Best Worst Movie, the documentary about Troll 2.

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