Samantha Bee
Screenshot: Full Frontal With Samantha Bee

Introducing a Wednesday Full Frontal piece on the most recent scarily bananas videos and tone-deaf attacks on gun control opponents by the National Rifle Association, Samantha Bee was pissed. No, not at NRA “spokes-glock” Dana Loesch and her Bond-villainous, needle-eyed warning to liberals, the media, and other people who don’t want to get shot that “your time is running out.” Okay, Bee was clearly pissed about that terroristic bullshit. But the Full Frontal host was more incensed that Loesch’s roster of NRA enemies included outspoken media figures like Joy Ann Reid and Mika Brzezinski but left Bee off of her loon’s hit list. “We think she’s awful, too!,” cried the outraged Bee, perhaps thinking of the gun industry lobbying group’s malign influence on the political process. Or all the dead kids.

But Bee is nothing if not determined to get on the bad side of menacing weirdos everywhere, so she came armed with a plan guaranteed to rile up two secretively malicious organizations at the same time. In a direct appeal to NRA members and gun fetishists everywhere, Bee made the case that a simple shift to Scientology might just be the solution to everyone’s problems. For NRA types like Loesch, Bee suggested, the transition offers an easily transferable checklist. “Creepily ageless leaders?” Check. A fear-based sales pitch that pumps up individuals into thinking that they—and only they—can become the superhero-like saviors in any given situation? Yep. A paranoid drive to hand over lots and lots of money? Oh yeah. For the rest of us not worshipping at the altar of Smith & Wesson or “Xenu or whatever-the-fuck,” Bee explained that, even if NRA-to-Scientology converts wind up as “Kirstie Alley’s boat-slave,” well, at least they’ll only be hurting themselves. Bee even has a catchy slogan for the plan, telling those valuing their shiny, shiny guns over the lives of literally any other human being, “It’s bonkers, but it’s safer for the rest of us.”

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