Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom wants us to feel bad for the damn monsters

Everything in the Jurassic Park series’ mosquito-extracted DNA has stressed that dinosaurs, wondrous creatures that they may be, should be feared. Sure, there’s that brachiosaurus that just wants to eat trees and sneeze torrents of mucus onto children, and the sick triceratops whose worst offense is leaving behind…

Music: Probably not actually a "universal language," after all

We’ve all heard, for a very long time, that music is a “universal language.” This is supposed to mean that, despite worldwide differences in culture, geography, and history, the sounds of venerable classics like Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5,” James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful,” or Sisqo’s “Thong Song” unite us all in a…

Reality bends, but manages to hold as Will Ferrell and doppelgänger Chad Smith meet once again

Late Monday night you may have felt a tremor pass through your body—a deep supra-natural twinge as if the world around you was struggling to maintain shape. While scientists were at first baffled as to what caused this global phenomenon, they’ve now identified the cause: Will Ferrell and his doppelgänger, Red Hot…

The Rock will not humor your critiques of Jumanji's internal logic

Look, The Rock knows nonsense. The Rock worked for Vince McMahon. The Rock wrestled for the WWE. He knows how to sell feuds with no coherent buildup. He knows how to make an unearned face turn pop. His first gimmick was “wears crepe paper?” and he still spun it into stardom. So, now that he’s a bonafide Hollywood…

MoonPie and Wendy's are friends now because the internet is a corporate hellscape

The confines of their old, stuffily corporate nature long since shed, the brands have been steadily working to convince us they’re human. Not content merely to own our stomachs and minds, they’ve taken to Twitter, cannily tricking us into imagining them as something other than the twisted assemblage of focus-tested…

S.E. Hinton explains The Outsiders’ tragic ending: “I am a stone cold bitch”

If you’re an adult, there are probably a few things you half-remember from reading S.E. Hinton’s classic young-adult novel, The Outsiders, in middle school. You’ve definitely got the Greasers and the Socs. You’ve got Ponyboy, for sure. You’ve got the other guy (Johnny). You’ve got the other other guys (Darry, Dally,…