Well, I don't want to say I told you so, so I'll just say I predicted the outcome of tonight's episode last night before the eliminated singer even opened his or her mouth.
Tonight's results show felt extremely long for some reason, despite the fact that I am so used to some of this nonsense that I felt much less shocked and appalled by the ridiculous introductory tie-in to Clash of the Titans than I should have been. I even kind of laughed at Simon appearing after the order of "Release the Kraken!" But seriously, American Idol contestants are a lot like Perseus if you just think about it for a goddamn second.
I've changed my opinion on Ryan Seacrest. I don't think he's evil, but think he might be on drugs. How else to describe the way he blatantly described last night's episode as "a great show"? He could have just called it a show. It did brighten my spirits to see Ruben Studdard perform, however. Musically he's never been one of my favorite Idols but the big guy looks pretty good: he's a vegan now, which means his daily tall stack of pancakes is made with soy milk, thank you very much (I stole that joke from Leonard). He does seem to have a lot more energy onstage than he used to, and he's much more of a chatterbox as well. After seeing him perform, Ryan thought "Big black guy + big black guy = TV history" and made Michael Lynche get up and stand next to Ruben (Ruben is still bigger. And cooler, too.)
But then we were back to the shit. The Ford music video this week was not a good one. Everybody was kung fu fighting to "Kung Fu Fighting" and then Mike ran into a car door. Maybe it as all an allusion to the inadequacies of Asian vehicle brands?
Things dragged on as Ryan spoke with all the contestants. Lee was back to his mumbly stumbly self as he explained how last night felt for him. If he's that way as a paint salesperson, all the walls in Mount Prospect are probably still white. Ryan continued to be…off…as he tried to banter with Simon about how Aaron can figure out how to sing about love despite only being 16. Simon seemed legitimately irritated. I don't think Simey minded the "You're gay!" "No you're gay!" rapport from seasons past but with Ryan trying to get Simon to justify his decisions and comments, Simon looks like he's about to take Ryan over his knee and give him an unerotic spanking. "I know who Simon's in love with! Himself!" Kara proudly added and I wish everyone in the theater had just turned to her simultaneously and said "SHUT UP KARA."
Then Justin Bieber, who to me resembles a marsupial who has been born but hasn't spent its required time in the pouch, discussed how Usher helped "shape who I am as an artist." OK there, jellybean. Incredibly wealthy jellybean.