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American Idol: Results Show

By Claire Zulkey | April 17, 2008 | 2:33am

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Many thanks again to Noel for covering for me last night as I celebrated the anniversary of my being expelled from the womb. It looks like my parents picked a good day to have me as very few blockbuster artists underwhelm me quite as much as Mariah Carey, so it doesn't look like I missed much.

Let's just get right to it: we all knew this day was coming, most of all Kristy Lee Cook. She seemed to carry a chip on her shoulder for the last four or five weeks, one labeled "I know you jerks all think I'm going home." She didn't exactly turn this underdog status into motivation to perform better and better each week, but the girl is lovely and not a terrible singer, so she should get her due for sticking around, even if her strange attempts to make light of her perceived low ranking on the show came out pickled and salty. Even right before her elimination was announced, she said "Well, I made it past the top ten." There's a difference between being grateful that you're around and acting like you're spiting people by being there.

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A friend of mine texted me right before the results a message that read "Please let it be Brooke. Please let it be Brooke. Please let it be Brooke." In fairness I did not see Ms. White sing last night so I don't know if this was deserved but I would have personally given her the boot for saying "I felt that…honestly" in response to Ryan asking her about her reaction to her own performance. That should be the name of her debut album. Or maybe "Feelings…For Real" or "I Can Has Emotion?"

The stuff the smart people probably fast forwarded past:

-David Cook was wearing a sparkly shirt.

-Carly bitched about Simon being hard on her and he explained that it's because he expects so much more from her, which I think is totally right-on even though Paula and Randy seem complacent. Big surprise.

-The Ford ad was cute if you don't mind yet another Queen song being ripped asunder and if you loved the "Bye Bye Bye" video from *NSync (and I did.) I still don't get how seven to ten talented singers can sound so crappy in unison.

-Elliott Yamin did his blue-eyed soul thing and made David Cook's sick brother look like a walk in the park when he noted that his mother had just died, and that he performed for the first time without her in the audience tonight.

-During the call-in portion of the show, Ryan and Kristy tried to convince the guy who bought her horse to sell it back to her. I hope that he doesn't, because their cajoling was annoying and he can probably get a lot more money than he bought the horse for by advertising that he has Kristy Lee Cook's mount.

-Mariah Carey has a sequined microphone. If you want to blow a little girl's mind, ask her what she'd rather have: a horse or a sequined microphone.

So Brooke and Kristy Lee made up the bottom two. I hate to see what happens to Brooke when she finally gets eliminated because she produced wracking sobs when she learned she was safe. Kristy for once actually was kind of cute and clever as she sang out to Simon, who looked a little frightened. But then she had a hard time hitting some of her notes and I realized that her vocal inflections which were supposed to indicate "country" were mostly irritating, so it wasn't so tough after all to see her go.

But she did look very pretty tonight, I will give her that.

Grade: B-

Stray observations:

—I liked the short-haired, snaggle-toothed Elliott Yamin better than this current version.

—I can't believe that Andrew Lloyd Weber is the mentor next week. The 9-year-old me who used to do performance art alone in my room to "Memory" would have loved it, but I think this is backsliding in terms of making Idol more relevant. Shall we take bets on who sings what? Brooke should totally cover "I Don't Know How to Love Him."

—For those of you still waiting a Beauty and the Geek update, it will happen as soon as the new episode is put online. I am sorry for being such a miserable failure.