If you didn't think a mere two hours of Idol this week was enough, if you truly wanted overkill, then you got it tonight. Here's what you got if you tuned in for Atlanta auditions:
Black People! Doing funny things.
Dewone Robinson, the guy who sang the male and female parts of his original song "Lady, We're Not Together Anymore."
Sii Bo Ski, my Polish brother. He didn't have a swastika shaved into his head, did he?
Lamar, probably the first person in history to go "Fuck y'all!" immediately after singing "My Cherie Amour."
General Larry Platt, whose single "Pants on the Ground" will probably be reprised at the finale.
Southerners! Accompanied by banjo music!
Vanessa Wolfe, the girl from the small Tennessee town who has nothing better to do than jump off bridges. The only plausible way for her to escape the small town that she hates so much is by auditioning on a reality TV show.
Jesse Hamilton, who likes to shoot cans in the back yard and hang out on the highway. Or used to, anyway.
Carmen and Lauren, BFF for life who, despite being 19, somehow were made up to look like girls from Toddlers & Tiaras.
People who the judges put through to Hollywood even though they weren't that great and yelled more than sang:
Keia Johnson (the also-ran beauty pageant contestant).
Sii Bo Ski
Carmen, the blonde with the whore makeup
Atlanta just didn't bring the good singers or the interesting or funny characters the way Boston did. We did get Mary J. Blige as a guest judge, however. I liked that she seemed to take no crap—she really seemed to hate the bogus chitchat and gimmicry of auditions. Of course, Simon loved this about her. She HATED the chick dressed as a guitar, who to me was like a more talented, less cute Kelli Pickler.
Next week Idol visits my kind of town, Chicago, home of the famous Wrigley Field sign.
—Simon always nails the feline-oriented insults. "Like a cat barking."
—I did enjoy watching the fallout of the effect of the audition on Lauren and Carmen's friendship. Carmen was totally pretending to cry and Lauren didn't even want to touch her. And I am pretty sure Simon was really enjoying the future implosion of their friendship, which is why I love him.