And God said unto them, "Have Will Smith make a Cain and Abel movie with vampires," and so it shall be done

By Sean O'Neal | August 31, 2012 | 6:54pm

Aux Features Film

And God looked over the many biblical movie offerings laid before him, and He saw that Darren Aronofsky had built a mighty Ark. He saw that Paul Verhoeven toiled on a film about His only begotten son farting. He gazed upon the script for a Pontius Pilate movie and said unto it, "Uh, okay." He saw that Ridley Scott and Steven Spielberg vied to complete a movie about Moses, and would do so until the rivers became as dust. And yet, God was still displeased, saying, "Where are the vampires? Am not I the Lord your God, who has made the Heavens and the Earth and who knows that all movies must contain vampires? Go to the Israelites now and say unto them, 'The God of your fathers demands vampires.' Then bring me the one called Will Smith, for his global box-office appeal is now and forever."

And lo, as was prophesied long ago, Will Smith did answer the Lord's call and produce The Redemption Of Cain, the tale of rival siblings Cain and Abel retold with a "vampiric twist," in keeping with the Lord's commands and His endless fascination with vampire stuff. And Sony trembled before the film's four-quadrant marketing and gave it a green light, lest they anger Him. And the Lord saw that it was good enough for probably a mid-winter release date and He smiled upon it, for His will had once more been done by His Will. "Yay, vampires! So sayeth the Lord."