Angels With Attitude Are The New Abstinence Vampires

By Amelie Gillette | September 17, 2009 | 1:25pm

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We all know that the next Abstinence Vampire is Abstinence CGI Husky. But where do we go after teens tire of trying to imagine themselves almost ravaged by a green screen who is saving himself for marriage? Mutant Bird People? Maybe. But the publishing industry is banking on old school supernatural heartthrobs: Angels. But these angels ain't your Sunday angels! No, really, someone actually said that:

From Publisher's Weekly:

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But this new crop of stars is nontraditional. “These are not your Sunday angels by any means,” said Doss at Bookazine. After all, Candlewick is offering "Angel in Vegas" (not Bethlehem), and Carter's "Evil?" tackles such topics as masturbation and homosexuality.

Masturbating Angel just sounds like a Conan reject, and Angel In Vegas is clearly the long-delayed sequel to the unsexiest angel movie of all time: Michael. In Michael 2: Angel In Vegas, John Travolta moves to sin city (it's funny already!) to become a highly-paid magician/lounge singer at the MGM Grand. But when Michael accidentally witnesses a mob hit, he is forced to go into hiding at a strict convent. How will this bad-ass fallen angel fit in with nuns, and, more importantly, which 60s girl group standards will he teach them to sing?

Haven't we already done bad ass angels before? In The Prophecy, and Dogma, and Teen Angel. The Crow was basically an angel. Sure, we've done vampires before too—but never vampires who wear body glitter and who won't have sex with you—that is the Twilight twist. Can't we just skip angels and go directly to "updating" whatever Powder was? Maybe Purity Ring Powder? Or Anti-drug Magical Albino?

Evidently, no. The angels with attitude are already flapping overhead:

Move over, Edward Cullen. Bad-boy angels are the new hotties. Like modern vampires, they can be gorgeous, immortal and otherworldly heartthrobs, unlike, say, zombies. “With all that rotting-off, they’re not very sexy,” said Justin Chanda, v-p and publisher of Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers, who calls angels “safe gothic” and “romantic.”

"Safe Gothic" is redundant. Have you been in a food court or Hot Topic lately, Justin Chanda? All gothic is safe. If there's a store dedicated to it at a mall right next door to the Build-A-Bear Workshop, it's not dangerous.

He's right though: Angels are such gorgeous, otherworldly heartthrobs. Just look at Angels In The Outfield. Such a romantic film.

A couple of big advantages are that angels are less scary and don't have an “ick” factor. “Some people think, vampires—who wants to deal with the bloody side of that?” said Beverly Horowitz, v-p and publisher of Knopf Delacorte Dell Young Readers Group.

Sure, Beverly. Because when a teen is fantasizing about a sparkly vampire flying her to prom on his back, she's also thinking about the practical side of things: like how every time he hugs her, it's like hugging a snowman in a walk-in freezer, and how, eww, gross it is that he talks about blood all the time.

Just like when a teen is reading Hush Hush, and fantasizing about how some chiseled fallen angel will swoop up from hell, sweep her off her feet, and try to be good—just for her!, she's also thinking about how he'd molt big, gross, dirty feathers all over her bedroom—and honestly who wants to deal with that?

Don't try and think through the supernatural hotties phenomenon, publishers. Just stick to making the Angels With Attitude book covers look like Twilight covers. Maybe teens will mistakenly buy them. (Fingers crossed!)