If you’ve lately felt as though civilization is slip-sliding into a living Hieronymus Bosch painting, full of hellbound, lube-stained souls writhing about in grotesquely orgiastic earthly delights, conservative fun-dit Bill O’Reilly believes you can place some of the blame on Jennifer Aniston. During an interview promoting her new film The Switch—which, lest we forget, celebrates the spilling of God’s holy seed—Aniston said that she believed women didn’t need men to start a family or to be good mothers. Hearing this wanton defiance of the natural order of things, O’Reilly called Aniston’s comments “destructive to our society” for “throwing a message out to 12-year-olds and 13-year-olds that, 'Hey you don't need a guy. You don't need a dad” in a condemnation reminiscent of Dan Quayle’s berating of Murphy Brown, which now seems like the first klaxon signaling our imminent cultural implosion.
Hopefully Bill O’Reilly’s words reach all those 12- and 13-year-old fans of Jennifer Aniston that exist, apparently, before they’re seduced by her glamorous, tabloid-fueled image as the world’s loneliest spinster, and we find ourselves in a society where women, having long since moved past the "diminished role of the dad," are just forcibly stealing sperm and knocking themselves up all willy-nilly and raising tribes of latter-day Amazonians, while the men are forced to resort to fornicating with each other just to feel wanted, or whatever the fuck Bill O’Reilly thinks is going to happen.