According to the Associated Press, sentient glob of discarded Nickelodeon slime Rudy Giuliani has tested positive for COVID-19, despite the fact that he travels around the country constantly, takes absolutely zero precautions, and just generally seems like the kind of guy that people wouldn’t mind sneezing on—so, really, it’s not a surprise that he caught the coronavirus, but it is a surprise that it took this long. Donald Trump already had COVID. Giuliani’s son just had COVID. It would actually probably be more efficient to list the people in the orbit of the Trump White House who have not had COVID at this point, yet here we are, in freakin’ December, and Giuliani just tested positive?*
*Now, you may have noticed an asterisk at the end of that paragraph, so let us explain: This news comes from the Associated Press, yes, but the AP got it from a source that we’ve spent the last few years denouncing, dismissing, and sneezing in the direction of, so we’re a little hesitant to say “oh, this time he’s telling the truth even though every other thing he’s ever said is a brain-meltingly stupid string of bullshit.” We’re talking, of course, about Donald Trump’s Twitter account, which broke the “news” of Giuliani’s diagnosis earlier today.
It would be a discredit to the healthy skepticism we tend to practice here at The A.V. Club to take any goddamn thing that motherfucker says at face value, so forgive us if we’re a little hesitant to say “Rudy Giuliani has COVID” without surrounding it with some disclaimers. It might be true, we don’t know. What we do know is that it’s coming from a questionable source, like when a brand new website called MarvelSpoilersForReal.com shares the “exclusive” news that Jared Leto is going to play Luke Skywalker in a remake of Star Wars but you can only read the story if you subscribe to their Patreon. It might be true, we don’t know. This one seems pretty likely, since the Associated Press is picking up the story, but we’re not willing to take the leap and say that Donald Trump was right about something, even if that something is Rudy Giuliani getting the coronavirus—which, if you had asked us last week, we would’ve just assumed had already happened.
True or not, this comes after what has been an absolute whirlwind of a year for Giuliani. It’s been just over a month since his star-making appearance in the Borat sequel, and since then he did the Four Seasons Total Landscaping press conference, melted, wore dumb shoes, and tried to stage a coup with a Saturday Night Live character as his secret weapon. Now his best buddy is telling everyone he’s got the COVID, which may or may not be true, and we’re not willing to make a definitive statement either way!
Oh, and for the record, the U.S. is currently hovering just above 280,000 COVID deaths, a number that has absolutely skyrocketed while Giuliani, Trump, and various cronies have gone out of their way to make things worse while our taxes pay for the advanced medical treatment they receive when they all inevitably get the virus. 280,000 deaths and these assholes fly around without masks, trying to lie and cheat their way to the fascist dictatorship of their dreams. If it seems like we’re having some fun with this “news” (such as it is, given the source), we should be clear that we are absolutely not. This hasn’t been fun for a long time.