Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Celebrity Rehab: 109

Illustration for article titled Celebrity Rehab: 109

Dear Celebrity Rehab,

I'm going to make this short and sweet. We had some wild times, like when Jeff Conaway yelled and/or passed out, and when Daniel Baldwin texted pictures of his cock to a porn star who's clearly trying to move away from a life in which she's simply an object of multiple insertions. Those times were great, but they were short-lived.

You provided another glimmer of hope in Ricco Rodgriguez, king of all the douches, whose violent behavior quickly turned to naught. And then you faked me out with an eighth episode called "Graduation" and a ninth episode called "109," whose title clearly says to me, "Ratings are decent! Make another one!" (Picture a stage director doing that "stretch it out" hand motion.)

It's safe to say you came in like a lion and went out like a lamb, with a final episode as dull as Jessica Sierra's music, full of platitudes and high hopes–and all this just a week after Drew seemed so sure everybody would relapse. But no, the man needs a way to inflate his own ego and end things on a happier note. He's magnanimous and godlike, and he says things like, "I've offered them the gift of sobriety. The question is, will they take it?" (And they've offered you the gift of a pandering, morally questionable TV show–and we know you'll take that.)

So the last episode, unlike the episode actually titled "Graduation," featured the graduation. Graduating from rehab means standing on a red carpet–the last red carpet this bunch will ever stand on–passing around a coin, and spreading love around. In the case of this show, it also meant letting Dr. Drew know if you'd be continuing on to "sober living," a.k.a. another three months of treatment.

My favorite part of tonight's episode came when Jaimee heard the rules about sober living, particularly the rule that she couldn't watch TV after midnight. "I don't think I'm going. I need to have my TV on to fall asleep!" Then she blamed life's little rules for making her a porn star: "I can't be fenced in, that's the reason why I did porn!"

Anyway, most of the episode was taken up with the ceremony. No Jeff, no Daniel… Only Ricco's borderline-retarded proclamations ("Don't walk down that valley of death anymore, cuz it's a bad, bad valley"), wannabe-thug impersonations ("You a gangsta. You kept everybody in check"), and jock-relating promises ("I'm gonna hit my 12 steps like I never hit it before") to keep things fun. Okay, it was also funny when Jessica said to Seth, "You made me like music again." She was talking to the guy who sang "Butterfly."

So who's going to sober living? I can't even remember and I just watched it. Seth and Mary for sure. And Jessica, because she just doesn't want to go back to Florida and face her water bill. La la la la life goes on for the rest of 'em: Joanie (who finally admitted she might be an addict), Brigitte (who admitted nothing), Ricco, Jaimee… You know, the people you never thought about before this show came on and the people you probably will never think about again except to have the "Did he/she die?" conversation.

Unless there's another season, of course. But I don't think I'll be watching that. Once was enough to keep me sober forever.