One Chicago brewery found a way to make Malört even worse

Wanna make a shot of one of the grossest liquors known to man even nastier? Stick a cicada in it!

By Emma Keates | May 22, 2024 | 8:46pm

Aux Features Jeppson's Malört

One Chicago brewery found a way to make Malört even worse

Cicada Photo: samray

Hey, Chicagoans—we say this with all the love in our heart, but… are you okay? Do you need to talk to someone? Do you know that there are better ways to let off steam than by taking shots of bug-infused gasoline? There are so many other options! You don’t have to do this to yourselves, Chicago! There’s only a month left until The Bear comes back!

If you aren’t from Chicago and have no idea what the hell is going on, here it is: there’s a massive cicada emergence going on right now, which is awful enough, but one local brewery has responded by putting the insects into shots of Malört and selling them, which is even more awful and definitely does not deserve anyone’s sympathy.

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What’s Malört, some of you may ask? Great question! It’s a bitter, wormwood-based poison that Paste deemed “the worst booze ever” in 2016. The concoction, which is really only available in the Windy City, is so nasty that it was effectively advertised as “medicine” during the prohibition and never ran into any trouble because authorities couldn’t imagine why people would want to drink it in the first place. (From one horrible personal experience, this author can’t imagine either. But she hasn’t spent any time in Chicago and maybe just doesn’t get it! Please don’t get mad at her!)

If all of that isn’t enough to sell you, you can now choke it down with a little exoskeleton to crunch on for dessert. Yum!

“Prepare yourself for a once-in-a-lifetime experience because starting today, we’re thrilled to unveil our exclusive locally harvested Cicada-Infused Malört at Lombard Brewpub!” Noon Whistle Brewing posted on Instagram this week. (You can scroll through the above carousel to see the monstrosity in action.)

The cicada adds a “Lobster-Like Flavor Sensation,” the brewery claims, which maybe dulls the taste of cyanide and rot but doesn’t exactly sound delicious. But we’re not trying to yuck anyone’s yum—if you’re into it, the brewery invites you to “bring in your saved cicada husks and infuse your drink with even more of that unique flavor” for “the ultimate personalized alcoholic cicada broth experience!” We’re gonna go out on a limb and guess that this is the only personalized alcoholic cicada broth experience out there, but hey—you do you, Chicago.

To be fair, we’ve done our due diligence and have yet to find an example of anyone actually drinking the cicada shot, just a number of people (including us) complaining about its existence online. If you do want to take the leap, just make sure you’re not allergic to shellfish, as cicadas apparently contain the same proteins as shrimp and all their undersea friends (according to NBC). Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool.