The internet can teach us so many things. By typing in a few words, we can learn about all kinds of things, from the time a bear named Wojtek joined the Polish Army to the history of waffles. With the internet, we can educate ourselves about art, science, and culture, learn new languages and make friends with people half a world away.
And, with the internet, we can also learn how to become friends with our friendly neighborhood winged omens of death in just four easy steps.
Alexandra Rösch is a woman living in Berlin who maintains a YouTube channel dedicated to her two hooded crow pals, Kräri and Kruu. Naturally, then, Rösch has learned a thing or two (or four) about how to get crows to interact with you in far nicer ways than, say, stealing your garbage or trying to poke out your eyeballs with their beaks when you wander into their territory.
In “How To Befriend A Crow,” we’re shown the best way to embark on a beautiful human/crow relationship through inspirational footage of birds landing on outstretched human arms and a gentle, German-accented crow ASMR voiceover that outlines each step in turn.
First up: “Find a pair of crows.” Though Rösch says pairs of crows can be found anywhere people live, and should be located by just listening and looking out for them, we imagine you can also leave a rotting animal carcass on your front step to expedite the process. Once the crows have been found, you can offer them some food (as long as its not bread, chocolate, or anything spiced or salted) at the same time and place each day. Again, a rotting carcass may be ideal.
Now that the crows have decided to hang out where you feed them, Rösch says the hopeful beastmaster should “be mindful,” meaning basically that you can’t come on too strong. Crows don’t want to be looked in the eye and they aren’t fans of “quick movements” or loud noises.
It only makes sense then that step 4—the last barrier between you and the crow friendship we all desire—is to let the crows come to you on their own time. With enough patience, the bird will learn that you’re a nice human with pockets full of treats and get comfortable enough to hop along your arms or peck food out of your hands, these being two cornerstones of any successful friendship.
Our only wish for those of you who decide to study these techniques is to be cautious about setting boundaries. It’s one thing to have a crow friend who plays chess with you in the park. It’s another entirely to be responsible for an entire crow army that pecks at your windows day and night, interrupting your sleep to demand delicious seeds and screaming mean names at you.
Send Great Job, Internet tips to firstname.lastname@example.org