Everything you wanted to know about the Gene Simmons sex tape (but were too nauseated to ask)
In case you haven't heard—or, more likely, are actively plugging your ears and singing "Strutter" to block it out—a sex tape starring KISS bassist, Family Jewels-man, and Celebrity Apprentice castoff Gene Simmons was recently splattered all across the web like so much fake blood. In it, the epically tongued, hard-rocking icon born as Chaim Witz gets it on with an Austrian "energy drink spokesmodel" known only by the mysterious moniker "Elsa" who "loves to yodel." While you could shell out $29.95 for this indispensable piece of rock 'n' roll history at GenesSecret.com, or view portions of it on the very, very NSFW site Fleshbot, it might be safer for all involved if you just take our word for it on these highlights:
– In a letter to Valleywag.com, Simmons' lawyer confirms that the tape is real and demands they cease and desist displaying it. Oddly, he almost seems more concerned with the site's use of the "stylized printing which is the registered trademark of KISS Catalog Ltd."