Evidence That Behind The Bell Will Be A Compelling Read

Evidence that Screech's Saved By The Bell tell-all will be a compelling read (as outlined in Us Weekly and the NY Observer):

1. The book promises not just salacious tales of partying, but salacious tales of "hardcore partying"—that's partying that is at least 50% more craaaaaazy than "extreme partying":

When it was first announced in July 2008 that Diamond would pen the memoir, publisher Gotham Books promised "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying" that occurred throughout the nearly thirteen years he was a part of the hit sitcom franchise.

Thirteen years of hardcore partying? That's, like, at least 400 Budweiser party balls, 78 bottles of No-Doze, and 13 Christmas-party games of "intense spin-the-bottle" (aka, "blindfolded spin the bottle," aka "make-out pile"). And to think that Dustin Diamond has been sitting on this treasure trove of crazy SBTB stories for all these years. If he had sold this compelling tell-all years ago, he could have avoided eking out a living on Celebrity Fit Club, getting evicted from his house, and selling the world's most unfortunate sex tape. I guess he just wanted to thoroughly humiliate himself before ultimately cashing in on his behind-the-scenes stories.

2. His stories are so real, his first publisher couldn't even handle them!

It seems [Screech's] publisher, Gotham Books, dropped the book three months ago upon receipt of the manuscript, and his literary agent, Jarred Weisfeld of Objective Entertainment had to find it another home…

What happened next is a matter of some dispute. According to a well-placed source, the manuscrupt Mr. Diamond and his ghost[writer] handed in was deemed unpublishable by Gotham editor Patrick Mulligan, partly because it contained many assertions about cast members from Saved by the Bell that Gotham felt were unverifiable.

"That's 100 percent bogus," Mr. Weisfeld said today, stressing that the decision to drop the book from Gotham was a mutual one.

Of course that's bogus. The more likely reason that Gotham books couldn't verify the Screech's stories was that everyone was just too fucked up back then to remember what happened, you know?  Hardcore partying for 13 years does that to you. The cast probably blacked-out all the time! I mean, they were obviously messed up. Remember the episode where Johnny Dakota offers Kelly and Zach a joint at a Hollywood party? Well, later on in that episode when they're filming the "No Hope With Dope" PSA, you can totally see that Zack is crossing his fingers. True (read: unverifiable) story.

3. Dustin Diamond's original ghostwriter for the book couldn't handle the true, true stories, either:

The book first hit a snag when Mr. Diamond's ghostwriter, Alan Goldsher, was taken off the project for what Mr. Weisfeld described obliquely as "scheduling issues." But he was replaced, and eventually a manuscript of sorts was completed.

See, when you're writing the most compelling tell-all of all time, you want a sorta kinda manuscript-type thing. The original ghostwriter just didn't get it.

4. Screech's book agent, who is employed by Screech and has a serious financial stake in the book doing well, really really loves it!

"This book is freaking incredible!" Diamond's literary agent, Jarred Weisfeld, has said. "Everyone that reads it loves it, and [it] is truly one of my favorites of all time."

It's one of his agent's favorites of all time! No word on exactly how many books Jarred Weisfeld has read over the course of his life, but it's gotta be at least 5, possibly 6.

5. Judging by the cover, Screech can do a magic trick where a stock photo of the Saved By The Bell cast appears out of thin air. Who wouldn't want to read a book by a guy who could do that?