Finally, a Christian alternative to the wicked heresy of the "Cha Cha Slide"

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Art and spirituality are uneasy bedfellows. We’ve seen it in film. We’ve seen it in rock music. We’ve seen it in hip-hop. We saw it this year in hip-hop. Still, that hasn’t stopped believers from relentlessly wedging Jesus into every single thing you have ever enjoyed. There’s Guitar Hero, but with Jesus. Scrabble, but with Jesus. Clowns, but with Jesus. And now, thanks to a recently unearthed video, we have the“Cha Cha Slide,” but with Jesus. And something called “spiritual milk.” Yeah, we don’t know, man.

A brief clip of the “Bible Slide” was shared last night by comedian Atsuko Okatsuka, but the original version—posted to YouTube back in 2012—unfolds across four excruciating minutes. A Chris Gethard-looking ringleader leads the charge, eschewing the original’s instructional lyrics for bone-chilling Christian idioms—“let’s win the lost” and “take his kingdom back now, y’all” are paired with rhythmic stomps on “principalities” and “bondage,” ensuring you’ll never be invited to another wedding again.

Like so many Christian knock-offs, the “Bible Slide” is hilarious because it’s so unnecessary. Is anyone out there truly objecting to the “Cha Cha Slide,” a song and dance staple that’s become the break-in-case-of-emergency box for every DJ in the country? This query appears to pass through the mind of at least one of the clip’s dancers; at 3:40, apropos of nothing, the camera zooms in on a guy as he freezes, staring vacuously into the middle distance.

He’s back to dancing with the next verse. His break is never acknowledged. And we’re left to ponder what passed before his eyes. Was it a smiling Christ, hands clapping along in admiration? Or was it an injured Satan, pleading for help after being rhythmically stomped into submission? We can only imagine.

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