Remember when Obama declared, “The cynics fail to understand that the ground has shifted beneath them,” and how everybody suddenly felt like our big momma bear had finally arrived to make everything better—to restore our national vision by licking us clean of all the eye-boogers of corruption? This week proved he wasn’t just being naïve: Liars are being tossed out of office, cheats are no longer being rewarded with hush-hush bonuses, and there’s a renewed sense of justice being restored to a society that had lately only seen that word attached to daytime TV shows that featured tough-lovin’ judges settling dry cleaning disputes. Maybe Obama was right about the earth moving after all—or then again, maybe it’s just split wide open to swallow thousands of jobs and homes, and all this housecleaning at the highest levels is too little too late to save a nation that made its bed long ago but never got around to lying in it. Oh, the cynics understand that the ground has shifted all right. We’re looking at the fault lines right now: They overlook the ever-widening chasm that is Friday Buzzkills.
– These days, even the biggest feel-good stories of the year have a dark and depressing side: Take the controversy surrounding Danny Boyle’s odds-on Oscar contender Slumdog Millionaire, the heartwarming tale of an Indian boy who escapes poverty without resorting to violence that has now been accused of exploiting poverty and instigating violence. Troubles began when the parents of the film’s two youngest stars, Rubina Ali and Azharuddin Ismail, told reporters earlier this week that they felt as though their children had been underpaid for their work, and that since filming life had actually worsened for them: They still live in the “same tangle of makeshift shacks”—although Asharuddin’s family’s barely even had that once “illegal hut was demolished by the local authorities, and he now sleeps under a sheet of plastic tarpaulin with his father, who suffers from tuberculosis.” Boyle responded by pointing out that he had already arranged a plan to pay both actors “a substantial sum of money” when they reach 18, but only if they stay in school. Which is great, except all the media attention has made it impossible for them to attend school. Furthermore, even Boyle admits that by merely announcing the fact that they have a trust fund makes them a target of “gangsters who would take advantage of them immediately.” Oops.
But hey, at least he’s trying, right? After all, Boyle only wanted to tell a story, and maybe draw attention to and thus help improve conditions in certain parts of India, and set an uplifting example for the country itself. Except, uh, the country doesn’t want any part of it: In addition to well-below-average box-office reports, several organized protests have openly attacked the film, accusing it of reinforcing Western stereotypes and insulting citizens by using the term “slumdog”—which, as it turns out, isn’t even a familiar word to most Indians. Oops again. In fact, some have deemed it so offensive that they’re threatening to burn Boyle in effigy, and a police investigation has even been tasked to look into the matter to determine whether it “hurts the sentiments of slum-dwellers” (who are, apparently, nevertheless cool with being referred to as “slum-dwellers”). Um… Yikes. So it seems as though last year’s most inspiring film is inspiring some of this year’s angriest protests—and what’s worse is that merely by us talking about it (yes, even little old us), we vulturine journalists have put the young stars of the film in danger, as a Fox representative recently told Defamer that all the “unwarranted press attention” has forced them put the kids in flats that they’re paying for themselves—which in addition to the trust fund, practically makes them wards of the studio. That’s gonna work out great. Why not just go ahead and set an opening ransom right now?
Exploitation, racism, child endangerment… So much madness and we still haven’t even gotten to the worst part: All this negative attention at such a crucial time could end up giving Best Picture to The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, a relatively safe film whose only crime is exploiting the part of people’s brains that can’t remember Forrest Gump from the first time around.
– We understand if you somehow managed to avoid any discussion of this; after all, it’s but a far-flung foofaraw compared to this week’s biggest homegrown controversy. No, we’re not talking about Rod BlagMillaJovovich. We’re talking about the axis-tilting reveal of Jessica Simpson’s “new, fuller figure” which—like the existential-crisis-inducing discovery of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s cellulite before it—set the Internet aflame with arguments over whether she could now be considered “fat,” answered by familiar debates as to whether even having such discussions is detrimental to women and endemic of our society’s chauvinistic disregard of real-world body types and blah blah blah. As with any sort of “scandal” involving a woman’s hips, seemingly everybody with a vagina and a BMI over 15 had to weigh in (get it?) with their own vituperative response—which is why Kim Kardashian took time out of her busy schedule of glancing coyly over her ass to tell People.com that she thinks Jessica “looks hot!” (See? Because Kardashian is also “curvy,” and curvaceous celebrities have to stick together. For the sake of all the little girls who might otherwise take up bulimia or whatever.) Even Simpson’s ex Nick Lachey actually got someone to write down what he said, which is that he “hopes she’s happy, whatever size she comes in.” Way to defend her honor by implicitly comparing her to a box of fries, dude. But the harshest critic of the critics was Jessica’s little sister Ashlee, who took to her MySpace soap box and put the “controversy” in the context of Barack Obama’s election, saying:
“I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.”
Ashlee’s right. Whither Camelot, y’all? We’re not sure we can stand to live in a world where female pop stars are judged by their looks. Isn’t it supposed to be about art? Not their art, per se… But you know, the art they get from other people? People who aren’t as pretty?
– Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop there: The supposed new era of unity apparently hasn’t been embraced by the makers of New In Town, who—after spending months applying the proper shade of lip gloss and number of high-heeled mishaps to make sure their film “tugs at the ovary”—somehow overlooked that some people might find their film deeply offensive. No, not people who still can’t figure out why Renée Zellweger is allowed to star in movies. We’re talking about the entire state of Minnesota, decent citizens who are sick and tired of the condescending “you betcha” and “don’tchaknow” dialects forced upon them by filmmakers looking to paint the entire state as a collection of moose-hunting, tapioca-slurping Sarah Palins who speak solely in woodsy colloquialisms about gophers and whatnot. While most critics merely brushed the film off as the irritatingly formulaic fish-out-of-water, “what you need is the love of a good man” rom-com that it is, some were inspired to take more direct action—such as Associated Press reporter Christy Lemire, who actually urged the “good people of Minnesota” to “stand up! Fight back! Take back your state and your culture and your accent!” Of course, if anyone actually followed her lead, it would set a dangerous precedent. After all, where would comedy be without the stereotype? Then you’d have to rely on characterization and plot, and how the hell do you sell that in a 30-second trailer?
– Along with fat-bottomed girls and funny-talkin’ Midwesterners, this week proved yet again that homosexuals still have a long way to go before they’re treated as equals. How can you tell they’re in trouble? Because GLAAD apparently couldn’t find anyone to honor with their annual “excellence in media” award besides Tyra Banks, whose greatest contribution to the cause is that she makes women seem so insanely self-centered and emotionally unstable that it’s enough to make any man stop and weigh his options. What’s even sadder about this questionable coronation is that America’s Current Top Model For Why Our Culture Is Doomed is notorious for her backhanded social “experiments,” which attempt to empathize with marginalized groups (such as overweight women) by having Tyra treat them like walking cartoon characters—and her latest involves putting a hand-selected group of gays, lesbians, and bisexuals together in a room so she can “observe” them. Here’s where it gets particularly “fierce”: The editor of the Gay Socialites blog wrote this week that he was rejected by Tyra’s producers because they were “looking for someone who was a bit more ‘queeny’ to participate in Gay Town.” (Yes, it’s called “Gay Town.”) Solid choice, GLAAD, although we’re sure that Katy Perry and the guy who plays the swishy assistant on Ugly Betty were disappointed. Maybe next year!